ask questions of this gentleman who ever make much by their motion; for if they elicit, as they often do, information favourable to the seller, so much the better for him; and if the colloquy have the opposite tendency, such is his ready versatility, that he can anticipate a thrust with the needle's point, or chaff his adversary into hopeless silence.

He now stands up, and commences his exordium. This is surpassing. The beauties of nature are here eclipsed by the flowers of eloquence, and the figures of rhetoric cast into the shade by the nameless air with which he utters his eulogium on the house and grounds about to be knocked down to the highest bidder. I had been attracted to the scene by a perusal of his printed lucubrations, and now, in the presence of the master-spirit from which they had emanated, felt thankful that the property was so far beyond my poor means of investment as to leave nothing to fear from the wiles of the arch tempter before me. In his oral address he rejects all formalities of diction, throws aside the restraint of continuity, and speaks with a racy energy truly irresistible. He unites the acumen of the pleader, the esprit of the wit, and the fascination of the improvisatore,makes his hits and points like a great actor, and works them up with the aid of his potent physiognomy, his equally potent action, and his hammer. He states the valuation, and contends that it is too low, and dilates upon the brightening prospects of agricul ture under the blessed effects of Sir Robert Peel's new measure, the merits of which he declines discussing at length, but contents himself with simply predicting, upon his honour as a gentleman, that it must work incalculable good for the interests of all classes, and consequently of every class in particular. Upon his descending more into detail, I was struck by the felicity with which he dwelt on the exquisite adaptation of the land then under sale for the purpose of fattening bullocks. He was remarkably impressive here. There was a depth of conviction, a force, and a meaning in his enunciation of his belief in the land's capacity to fatten bullocks, which showed how completely he had thrown himself into his case; and the man must have been no other than an habitual sceptic who could have sat and heard those words from his lips, and have harboured even a lurking doubt that bullocks of any extraction, or of whatever previous habits of indulgence, both could, and were the choice given them, would, have gorged themselves to repletion on the nutritious pasture, in praise of which he made this powerful appeal. The bidding is at its height, and he throws in a little episode about the chalybeate, which only wanted encouragement, and Harrowgate and Leamington would have to hide their diminished heads.' He takes a sip of the coloured water A meek man in the centre begs to know why the timber was not mentioned in the catalogue? The auctioneer affects incredulity, but finds, on inspection, that the important article in question had been omitted. He makes the acknowledgment; but, instead of apologizing for the oversight, retaliates upon his inquisitor for his presumption, by telling him plainly he is now expected, without equivocation, to become the purchaser. The auction advances, and with every new offer he finds fresh matter for dissertation. He alludes to the contiguity of the railroad, and comments with infinite force upon the luxury of coming up to town a distance of a hundred miles, and going home to an eight o'clock dinner every day, which our poor forefathers could never have believed

to be possible; and although this topic of wonderment and the concomitant sneer at the past generation for only discovering principles of science, and leaving to posterity the superior credit of their application, is somewhat threadbare, in his hands it loses all its monotony, and positively smacks of originality. In proclaiming, also, the proximity of a church, he prettily confesses his faith in the utility of churches in general, the convenience of having them near one's residence, and the value of a religious reputation in the long run to respectable members of society. He half promises a seat in Parliament at the small expense of a princely hospitality, and on the same terms wholly promises the acquaintance of the solicitor of the place, who happens then to be at his elbow, and on whose heart, integrity, and cellar, he pronounces an encomium that might have suffused with blushes any other cheeks than those of a solicitor. There is a pause, and he pretends to bring the matter to a close, Goinggoing' his left hand rising as he bends downwards till his chin almost touches the conditions of sale,' lips clenched and eyebrows expanded as at the very verge of an impending crisis. A modestlooking gentleman enters, and all eyes are turned upon him by a cry from the auctioneer, that if he wants a seat in Parliament, now is his time. 'Do you guarantee the seat?' drily interrogates a wag, noways interested in the sale. Certainly, sir,' is the reply, if you will condescend to buy the estate. To be or not to be? as one of our great poets has said—' Gay, in "The Beggar's Opera," again interpolates the daring wag, ambitious of fairly measuring wits with so distinguished a humourist. A burst of laughter gives the auctioneer breathing-time for adducing the name of his author, and he then turns upon his victim with a volley of merciless raillery, which annihilates his courage and his fancy at a blow. Other interruptions occur, which he encounters with the same bold front as before, and adding that nothing pleases him more than to be asked questions, as he knows they are always the prelude to a fresh bid. He traverses his ground again, and sums up with a declaration that the spot defies description-that it is fit for a little emperor--that there is a richness and a grandeur, together with a quietude and a repose about it, which in all his experience, which had been considerable, he had never seen equalled—that if it has a fault, it is that an expenditure of money in improvements on this little paradise were an utter impossibility; and in fine, that his Grace the Duke of Wellington himself might be proud to make this place his residence.

Gifted and incomparable disposer of lands, tenements, and hereditaments! Under sway of thy omnipotent art, the very sense is quickened, the fancy warmed, and the credulity of the most obdurate bidder invoked, as by the spirit of a sorcerer. Thy extemporaneous rhetoric is not strained like the quality of Mercy, it is twice blessed, 'it blesses him that sells and him that buys,'

'It is mightiest in the mightiest,

And becomes the Great Auctioneer

Even better than his advertisements !

It is now time to close it is clear, from the countenances in his immediate vicinity, that the highest expectations have been realized: all are satisfied, the property is appreciated, and the auctioneer threatens to knock it down. He gives warning, that in one moment, in one

solitary moment, the sacrifice must be made. He places his hammer to his heart, and vows he feels that he is making a sacrifice. It annoys him he declares it annoys him, and his face assumes the look of a man stung by a mosquito. This most matchless thing of the kind a place fit for a little emperor-and a house that will last till the end of the world, to be given away!-'it offends him to the soul.' As he gets pathetic, the nasal twang is more palpable. He is now trying the chance of an extra hundred. He says that, as it is the doom of man sometimes to be disappointed, so has he often in the course of his long experience' felt the pangs of regret, but never to the extent to which he is agitated now. He confesses at the full pitch of his lungs that there is a reluctance in this arm to do its duty,'-it upbraids him-it won't let him,-a smile steals through his tear-a titter commences-he reins up, becomes ferocious, indignant, disgusted! roars shame upon the sacrilege,' and then knocks the lot down with a polite bow to the purchaser,-and a draught of the coloured water is the climax.

JOHN JONES.

FAMILIAR EPISTLES FROM AN ELDERLY

GENTLEMAN ON HALF-PAY.

COMMUNICATED BY W. H. MAXWELL, AUTHOR OF 'STORIES OF "6 WATERLOO,' HECTOR O'HALLORAN,' &c.

MY DEAR JACK,

Hotel, Ramsgate, August, 1842.

I HAVE the pleasure of announcing a safe arrival,-to which annex the location of my person and effects, (vide date above,)—add thereunto an exquisite swim, with a walk across the sands, and so ends the morning's history.

Take it for all in all,' this place is tolerable, albeit the majority of its migratory population appertain to that extensive order of humanity, intituled-not by Cuvier-tag-rag-and-bobtail.'

To a man curious in the varieties of his own species, I would recommend a pilgrimage to the pier of Ramsgate.

'The noblest study of mankind is man,'

says somebody, who, for the life of me, I can't remember. agree with him, come here-and the most extensive curiosity will be gratified. Here you will find an assorted pattern of the human race. Occasionally you may encounter gentlemen, of course, 'few and far between; but the prevailing professionals are militaires, from Bevis Marks, who correctly understand that the muzzle of a musket is not the end generally applied to the shoulder. Sailors, of the T. P. Cooke school, who consider that seamanship consists in ejaculating shiver my timbers!' and hitching the waistband of their unmentionables with a hand that never grasped any substance tougher than stiffened gingham. You will elbow genteel youths,' that being the advertising appellative for mercers' apprentices, all and every provided for the nonce' with a cutting whip, but who, during natural life, have been innocent of oppressing the back of that friend of man,' the horse. I did remark one adventurous emigrant from Ludgate Hill actually astride (mem.—the quadruped let by the hour at one shilling and sixpence, and nothing extra for a

somerset,) but he was no common boy; and, to judge by the elegance of his seat, and the peculiar method in which he held the bridle, I should infer that he had enjoyed the advantages of an equestrian education, and received instructions in the riding-school of the Horse Marines. Add to these, stout personages from the Stock Exchange, and modest Israelites from Hounsditch,-portly landladies and thin spinsters-one screaming, M'riar, do you see the steamer?' responded to by Sophiar, do you think I am blind?' Finally, complete the company, ad libitum, with publicans and sinners, Jews and Gentiles, and voilà the pier of Ramsgate!

6

Much as they may differ in external appearance, on one point the denizens of Ramsgate seem unanimous: all are in pursuit of pleasure, and each seeking it after his peculiar taste, from the old man kissing the maid, to the young one reading the Bible.'

I promised to chronicle my adventures, and therefore I shall begin with the beginning.' The transit from London Bridge to Ramsgate Pier, you are aware, is proverbially hazardous; and the daring man who first ventured on the deep, and whose courage is immortalized by old Flaccus, was no more comparable to the desperado who voyageth now-a-days from the Isle of Dogs even to the South Foreland, than a churchwarden to a colonel of cuirassiers.

Until we passed Gravesend, the voyage threatened to be prosper ous. Men began to speak with confidence of speedy reunions with their wives; and even lovely woman conquered her timidity, and spoke with buoyant hope of seeing sisters from whom they had been separated for a fortnight. The Countess (I forget the heraldic addition) with her peopled decks,' progressed gallantly towards her destination-Ladies smiled-gents. (a cockney diminutive, meaning gentlemen) blew their cloud in peace-the band played 'Rory O'More' the steward intimated that hot potatoes were ready,'' and all went merry as a marriage-bell.' Indeed, danger was apparently at an end; we were absolutely under the especial patronage of the genii of the Thames; and it seemed almost certain that no opportunity would be afforded the most tuneful passenger, from personal experience, to sing the dangers of the seas.' But to the gods, or rather to the skipper, aliter visum.

On our larboard bow was seen a hovelling boat, and on our star board a heavy barque-and in avoiding Scylla, the hoy, we popped into the three-masted Charybdis. The commander looked anxiously from the paddle-box,-a waive of his hand was answered by the exclamation of Hard-a-port!' The Countess gave a broad yaw, and went 'slick' into the quarter of the Daniel O'Connell! the said Daniel standing A 1 twelve years at Lloyd's, and outward bound, with a general cargo.

It was indubitably an unlady-like proceeding on the part of the Countess to run foul of the Liberator. Had the lawyer run foul of the lady, why, there would have been no novelty in that.

Loud and startling was the outcry that arose. Ladies fainted, or attempted to faint,-lap-dogs barked, and two gentlemen of unquestioned bravery, one a sergeant in the Surrey Yeomanry, the other a distinguished private in the City Light Horse, actually changed colour, looking exceedingly like the great Napoleon, when on the night of Waterloo he pleasantly remarked, ' A present c'est fint! Even the youngest on board were not insensible to coming events; but inquiries were frequent of, Pa, shall we certainly be

drowned?'-to which it was invariably responded that 'The Lord alone could deliver us.' This, however, was but a popular delusion.' Divers men, with long poles, who swore as they formerly swore in Flanders, shoved us clear, and neither vessel fortunately went down, although the poor Countess was severely damaged either in her cat-head or her cut-water, I forget which. Liberator, he appeared not to mind the concussion a brass-button. Indeed, it was afterwards insinuated that his quarters had been so frequently invaded, that, like a skinned eel, he was accustomed to the operation, and impassable to the coarsest rub.

As to the

When the terror incident on this calamity had sufficiently abated to allow injury received to be ascertained, it was officially reported that the killed were 0, and the wounded innumerable. Among the latter was a poodle, who had lost a toe, with divers elderly gentlewomen, some of whom had their head-gear carried away in the mêlée, and one, the severest sufferer,-the amiable relic of a drysalter, (city residence, Fish Street Hill),-unhappily received a a compound fracture in her brandy-bottle. Of course, personal escapes were marvellous. A ladynet weight thirteen stone six pounds, by any machine in the arcades,-was suddenly projected from a camp. stool into the lap of an elderly gentleman, seated in a merlin-chair, and who, from gout and respectability, might have probably been a common-councilman at least. A narrower escape, however, occurred in the cabin,-a gent., not of the silver-fork school, who was feeding himself with a knife- ut mos est' on board a Ramsgate packet-had the point of this lethal implement directed by the concussion at the throat, and, but for the providential intervention of a double cravat, the carotid would have been divided, and suicide committed on the spot.

When people had gradually recovered from their alarm, a delicate inquiry into the causes of the accident took place, which ended in the general reprobation of the commander. The opinion of the company was unanimous. If Daniel O'Connell had evinced any intention of taking liberties with the peeress, it was the duty of the said captain to have kept the Countess out of harm's way. If, on the other hand, the said Daniel was (however unlikely) steering a quiet course, what business had the Countess to run into him? At this stage of the proceedings the investigation was interrupted; the steam blew off; the wheels ceased their revolutions; every face turned pale; a great catastrophe was at hand; but no-it was a false alarm after all, for a voice shouted from the gangway, 'Is there any one for Broadstairs?'

I never met people so perfectly disencumbered of that aristocratical formality which you meet elsewhere, as those whom you encounter on the pier and parade of this delightful watering-place. For one shilling you are made free of the Pavilion on the sands; and a solitary twist at the wheel of Fortune ensures you a favourable reception at the Marine Library and its fashionable promenade. Indeed, the stupid form of introduction is generally dispensed with; and on the cliffs, a lady, at first sight, and with an ardour that shows she has the deepest interest in your ultimate prosperity, will ask if you are a married man,' expressing a hope you enjoyed your dinner. Coming down, I was fortunate in making the acquaintance of a tall lady, rich in the possession of seven babes and two servants, one of the latter

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