NARRATIVE OF AN EXPEDITION DOWN THE

THAMES.

FROM THE EUSTON HOTEL, LONDON, TO THE ALBION HOTEL, BROADSTAIRS.

DICK, I'll tell you what I was thinking of this morning, as I lay in bed,' said Mrs. Brown to her husband, when she came down to breakfast. Suppose you and I take little Dick to school this time, and then, as we happen to be in London, we can have a bit of an "out" for ten days, or a fortnight. I must go somewhere this year, or I shall never live till next.'

Now Mr. Brown was an easy man, pretty well circumstanced, engaged in a respectable business, and was always willing to indulge the reasonable wishes of his wife. He did not, however, immediately acquiesce in his wife's suggestion; indeed, he threw cold water upon it, but secretly thinking it might prevent a more impracticable proposal, determined to verify Mrs. Brown's morning dream.

Accordingly, in the course of a few days, he and his wife were en route to that well-frequented spot, London Bridge Wharf. Their journey was slow and sure. Jarvey made the best of his way, and at length informed Mr. and Mrs. Brown that the Rial Villiam' v03 alongside. This assurance was confirmed by a ticket-porter accosting Mr. Brown with 'Margate, sir? Be quick!' which served to cheer up the pleasure-seeking pair.

It is necessary here to observe that Mr. Brown had formerly held a provincial office of responsibility, connected with the revenue, and in the plenitude of his official dignity, had set up a regular redmorocco-covered-blue-silk-lined-Bramah-lock-and-keyed diplomatic despatch-box, with name, residence, and office, all duly described thereon at full length in capital letters in gold; not forgetting to have his arms-for he had arms- -duly embossed on a sunken shield in the centre.

Although his occupation was gone, he was unwilling to let the dignity go also; and, therefore, upon all suitable occasions, when he went from home this box went with him, containing what he called his small things;' what they were is of no consequence; but, as his money and keys were always amongst them, he had the double motive of ostentation and necessity to make him watchful of the box.

Upon the present occasion he stepped from the hackney-coach with this box in one hand, an umbrella in the other; a great coat over one arm, and a Macintosh over the other; thus encumbered, he found it impossible to get at his purse without emptying the hand which held the box. Down it went, and the great-coat was thrown over it; the purse was abstracted from his pocket, but the money could not be got out without emptying the other hand also, so down went the umbrella upon the great-coat, and the Macintosh over that. There was no time to be lost. The bell was ringing. The porter, urging him with an oath to be alive,' slung their luggage over his shoulder, and snatching up the red box, umbrella, and habiliments, proceeded with them and Mrs. Brown to the packet.

Just as Mrs. Brown stepped on board, the vessel started, and her husband was left behind. Mr. Brown soon discovered the separation; and, although he did not, Leander-like, plunge into the angry tide, and endeavour to gain the packet vi et armis, he did-as all loving husbands ought to do-make an attempt to regain his bereft spouse by means more expensive, not less foolish, and resulting in precisely the same effects.

Malgré the loss of the red box, he boldly offered five shillings to any waterman who would overtake the packet, and put him aboard, That's impossible,' said a dozen of these coat-and-badge men at once, but they would try, if he would give them the reward.

As soon as a waterman was engaged and had obtained permission to pocket the money, he exclaimed,

'Vy, sir, y'r honner, I'm blow'd if the Red Rover arn't right astarn! I'll clap you aboard in the twist of a quid, and then you'll be all right.' No sooner said than done.

Mr. Brown, being satisfied that he was in a steamer actually going to Margate, began, more suo, to smoothe the asperities of the morn ing's disasters, and without further mishap, set his foot upon Margate Pier at six o'clock, in his accustomed good humour, full of anxiety to recover his lost treasures.

Scarcely had he stepped upon the pier of that well-frequented, but not very fashionable watering-place, than

But we must return to Mrs. Brown.

The reader has already been informed that Mr. Brown was well to do in the world, and respectably connected; but the pretensions of Mrs. Brown have not yet been set forth.

She fully realized the character so universally esteemed by gravestone-cutters, being a loving wife, an affectionate mother, and a kind friend; but what she piqued herself upon most was her family connection, for the superiority of which it will best suit our history to give her full credit; she was, consequently, always most attentive to appearances where she was known: and, although she did not-at convenient opportunities-hesitate to be both condescending and economical incog., she had the greatest possible horror of being detected in either of these vulgar vices. Inseparable from this disposition were her personal vanity, and indefatigable contrivances to be acquainted, or appear to be acquainted, with great people. Her natural sense was of a small calibre, her education nil; with the exception, therefore, of a few common-place topics of conversation, an affected love of poetry, founded upon a superficial acquaintance with The Beauties of the English Poets, in one vol. 8vo.' a capability of working Berlin pattern kettle-holders for bazaars for promoting Christian knowledge; of netting strong brown purses for her Dick, and of knitting various-coloured muffatees for herself, she was possessed of no accomplishments, and was profoundly ignorant of everything which adorns the mind; and withal possessing a naive effrontery, which, leading her, as it often did, into an awkward position, seldom failed to bring her out again, at the cost of a smile or a titter, which she invariably attributed to her wit, not to her folly.

With this insight into her character, it will be easily understood why Mrs. Brown's first consideration upon entering the packet was to take manual possession of the red box, which, independent of its valuable contents, her husband had taught her to consider no bad

voucher of gentility in societies where some mark of separation from the 'profanum vulgus was advantageous. Her second consideration-equally intelligible-was to reconnoitre her fellow-passengers, and locate herself in that quarter which appeared to promise the most genteel neighbourhood. In this attempt, however, she was most unsuccessful, and was not long in discovering the very obvious fact, that not only was she surrounded by passengers who were not at all genteel, but that part of them were horridly vulgar, and some rude.

Mrs. Brown very sagaciously, therefore, resolved to seek an asylum amidst the pile of luggage which occupied the midships of the steamer. Here, little doubting that her husband would turn up again somewhere, she composed her mind to the toleration of present troubles. Whilst she was arriving at this philosophical conclusion, her eye accidentally rested upon a bonnet-box, upon which was inscribed The Dowager Lady Essex.' Now, she shrewdly conjectured that the box must belong to the personage whose name it bore; and, moreover, that as there was no address appended to the name, the Dowager Lady Essex herself was actually in the packet.

'Oh! what would I give to find her out!' said Mrs. Brown to herself, as she fidgeted about between the paddle-boxes.

Heretofore Mrs. Brown's proceedings had been confined to the fore part of the packet, and it was only at this moment that she discovered the passengers 'aft.' Poor Mrs. Brown, on entering the packet, had gone 'forward,' being quite unconscious of the advantage, or even the existence, of such a place as the quarter-deck. The discovery was quite as gratifying to her as that of the bonnetbox; for, with her constant tendency to, the genteel, she immediately concluded that the superior style of bonnets and shawls betokened a superior style of wearers. Again she paced up and down by the paddle-box; till at last, taking up the object of her repeated attention, she deliberately proceeded to break the ligature of narrow tape with which it was bound and ransacked the contents. This was soon done, as it contained nothing but a pair of shoes, a pair of black silk stockings, a cap, a comb, a small hair-brush, some curl-papers, which had been used, and-though last, not least-a small parcel directed, 'The Dowager Lady Essex, Broadstairs.'

This was confirmatory of the actual proprietorship of the box, and fully answered Mrs. Brown's expectations. She now bundled the contents into the box again, took it aft,' and proceeded to inquire from the most likely female passengers as to its ownership. After several unsuccessful attempts, she at last accosted a lady attired in black silk, a Leghorn bonnet, black lace veil, black silk mantilla lined with scarlet, a real sable boa rather the worse for wear, a gold watch and gilt chain duly festooned to her waistband, and an eyeglass suspended by a delicate fabrication of brown silk,-who, although she was eating pears, had a somewhat distinguished air, and was rather good-looking. To Mrs. Brown's oft-repeated question, 'Pray, ma'am, do you own this here box?' she at last received the welcome affirmative, immediately succeeded by the justifiable inquiry, 'What are you doing with it?'

The very emphatic tone of the answer, and the petulant abruptness of the question, rather disconcerted Mrs. Brown; but she reconciled it to her feelings, on the score of its being undoubtedly aristocratic, and replied, with becoming humility,

Why, my lady, I saw the box upon the floor of the ship, with the string broken somehow or other; and, as I dare say, ma'am,-your ladyship, I mean,-will find the things prettily tumbled, I considered it my duty to bring the box to your ladyship, and tell your ladyship all about it, ma'am.'

Oh I'm vastly obleeged to you. Are you the stewardess?' 'I certainly have the honour of holding that situation, ma'am-I mean, my lady,' replied Mrs. Brown.

Now, Mrs. Brown being anxious to play off the most dignified pretensions she had, referred to the situation she had filled, with great satisfaction to herself, of one of the stewardesses of the Orphans'benevolent-clothing-and-putting-out-in-the-world-Society, of 'Ragtonsuper-naturalibus,' a hamlet of the parish in which she resided: consequently she replied to this question with an air of pride.

Hem,' said the lady; 'I'll tell you what, good woman,—just tie the tape round the box again, and put it where you found it.'

Oh! of course,' replied Mrs. Brown; 'anything to oblige your ladyship, my lady.' And Mrs. Brown did as she was bidden.

The lady Mrs. Brown had contrived to introduce herself to was, as we shall find in the sequel, a person of consequence, and apparently by no means unaccustomed to be addressed by the titular distinction which Mrs. Brown at once attributed to her.

The opportunity of improving such an aristocratic acquaintance now became a paramount consideration with Mrs. Brown; therefore, as soon as she had deposited the box as ordered, she returned to her new acquaintance, who was smartly pacing the deck; for the wind blew keenly up the river.

As Mrs. Brown approached she was relieved from a little anxiety as to how she should resume the conversation, by the lady taking that upon herself.

'Now, Mrs. Thingumty,' said she,-stewardess, get me a glass of brandy and water, hot, with one lump of sugar;-mind only one.'

Certainly,' replied Mrs. Brown. I put your ladyship's box away quite safe. It really gives me great pleasure to be of service to so distinguished a lady.'

She had again reached the funnel before the object of her second mission exactly impressed itself upon her perceptions, when she was suddenly posed to know where brandy and water was to be had. For once she took the right way to find out, by asking one of the crew, who to her inquiry answered, 'Go a-aft, ma'am, and a-ask below.'

He accompanied his lucid reply by pointing 'aft,' which was the only part of his explanation Mrs. Brown understood; for she considered his words as neither more nor less than downright insult. She went 'aft,' and was more successful in her inquiry from an elderly stout gentleman in a Macintosh jockey-cap, who politely showed her the way to the saloon.

'What! down this hole?' exclaimed Mrs. Brown; 'down into the cellar must I go ?

'Yes, ma'am. It isn't called the cellar, but the saloon.'

So down went Mrs. Brown in true sailor-like fashion; and when she reached the bottom, she was both surprised and pleased, such a capital cold set-out,' and everything so comfortable, as she afterwards told her husband.

When she turned round and stood in the saloon entrance, she was

confronted by another stout man, but by no means the counterpart of the one above. This was a rubicund, burley, Nimrod-looking fellow, at least six feet three inches high, and weighing certainly not less than twenty stone. He was dressed in a green cut-away' riding-coat, with gilt buttons, white cord breeches, leather continuations, strong shooting shoes, a blue silk cravat with white spots, and a lowcrowned, broad-brimmed, white felt hat, knowingly set forward, and on one side, so as to shade his right eye, which, with the eyebrow, was rather the worse for sixty years' wear, and a slight paralytic affection which had deranged its utility a few years before. This gentleman sat astride a short bench, something in the way a crab might be supposed to do; one hand was thrust into the pocket of a striped cotton waistcoat, and the other held a glass of the very beverage Mrs. Brown wanted.

'Pray, sir,' said Mrs. Brown, are you the landlord?'

"Why, ma'am, as for that, I live upon my own little farm of 123 acres, and have no other tenant but myself. But why?'

'O, dear me !-I beg your pardon, sir; I did not mean that. I thought, perhaps, you could give me a glass of brandy and water.'

What,-stand treat, aye? Well, I don't care about that; but I'd as leave you'd been rather younger, and rather better looking.'

Mrs. Brown shrank from this unpalatable familiarity, and was perplexed to know how she was to accomplish her errand, when one of the steward's boys, always on the qui vive for a customer, presented himself to her with the question, brandy and water?'

Oh! yes, if you please,' replied Mrs. Brown, I do want a glass of brandy and hot water, with one lump of sugar in it.'

The word passed Hot with,' and before Mrs. Brown had time to take a second glance at the saloon, the brandy and water was forthcoming, and a shilling duly paid for the same. Mrs. Brown returned to deck again, and found her friend as impatient as a very cold lady ought to be, whose brandy and water does not arrive with that alacrity usually characterizing the movements of stewardesses of steamers.

When the lady had expressed herself somewhat aristocratically upon this point, Mrs. Brown was dispatched below, a second time, for a plate of sandwiches, with an emphatic caution, to be quicker in her movements, a hint which her former experience enabled her to profit by. The sandwiches were produced with a celerity which admitted no reasonable cause of complaint; and, by the time this was done, her ladyship considered that a second glass of brandy and water might be disposed of to her bodily comfort. Down went Mrs. Brown, a third time, and, singular as it may appear, it was with considerable satisfaction she handed over the second potation to her friend, and perceived no disposition to repay her the four shillings which she had disbursed for these creature-comforts; for,' as Mrs. Brown argued with herself, this trifling obligation is sure to be remembered by her ladyship at some future time, and will most certainly secure the pleasure of her distinguished civilities at a time when they may, perhaps, be worth my money.'

The conversation between Mrs. Brown and the lady had hitherto been upon indifferent subjects, and, as we have seen, interrupted. Mrs. Brown had one important piece of information to obtain, which the near approach of the packet to Margate made it desirable to elicit.