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only to get a bill changed in the city! How pro- I'll do what I can to please you. Let me see. All voking.
out of my own head, I suppose! Garret. I'll lay my life, Mr. Leontine, that had Olivia. Whatever you please. twice as much to do, is setting off by this time Garnet (writing.) Muster Croaker-Twenty from his inn; and here you are left behind. guineas, madam?
Olivia. Well, let us be prepared for his coming, Olivia. Ay, twenty will do. however. Are you sure you have omitted nothing, Garnet. At the bar of the Talbot till called for. Garnet?
Expedition-Will be blown up-All of a flameGarnet. Not a stick, madam-all's here. Yet Quick dispatch-Cupid, the little god of love.-I I wish you would take the white and silver to be conclude it, madam, with Cupid : I love to see a married in. It's the worst luck in the world, in love-letter end like poetry. any thing but white. I knew one Bett Stubbs of Oliria. Well, well, what you please, any thing. our town that was married in red; and, as sure as But how shall we send it? I can trust none of the eggs is eggs the bridegroom and she had a miss servants of this family, before morning.
Garnet. Odso, madam, Mr. Honeywood's butOlicia. No matter. I'm all impatience till we ler is in the next room: he's a dear, sweet man, are out of the house.
he'll do any thing for me. Garnet. Bless me, madam, I had almost forgot Jarvis. He! the dog, he'll certainly commit soins the wedding ring !—The sweet little thing—I don't blunder. He's drunk and sober ten times a-day. think it would go on my little finger. And what Olivia. No matter. Fly, Garnet; any body we if I put in a gentleman's night-cap, in case of ne- can trust will do. (Exit Gurnet.] Well, Jarvis, cessity, madam ?—But here's Jarvis.
now we can have nothing more to interrupt us;
you may take up the things, and carry them on to Enter JARVIS.
the inn. Have you no hands, Jarvis ? Olivia. O Jarvis, are you come at last ? We Jarvis. Soft and fair, young lady. You that have been ready this half hour. Now let's be go- are going to be married, think things can never be ing. Let us fly!
done too fast; but we, that are old, and know what Jarvis. Ay, to Jericho; for we shall have no we are about, must elope methodically, madam. going to Scotland this bout, I fancy,
Olivia. Well, sure, if my indiscretions were to Olipia. How! what's the matter?
be done over againJarvis. Money, money, is the matter, madam. Jarvis. My life for it, you would do them ten We have got no money. What the plague do you times over, send me of your fool's errand for? My master's bill Oliviu. Why will you talk so? If you knew upon the city is not worth a rush. Here it is; Mrs. how unhappy they made me Garnet may pin up her hair with it.
Jarvis. Very unhappy, no doubt: I was once Olivia. Undone! How could Honeywood serve just as unhappy when I was going to be married us so? What shall we do? Can't we go without it? myself. I'll tell you a story about that
Jartis. Go to Scotland without money! To Olivia. A story! when I'm all impatience to be Scotland without money ! Lord, how some people away. Was there ever such a dilatory creature! understand geography! We might as well set sail Jarvis. Well, madam, if we must march, why for Patagonia upon a cork-jacket.
we will march, that's all, Though, odds-bobs, we Olivia. Such a disappointment! What a base have still forgot one thing: we should never travel msincere man was your master, to serve us in this without—a case of good razors, and a box of shavmanner! Is this his good-nature ?
ing powder. But no matter, I believe we shall be Jarris Nay, don't talk ill of my master, madam. pretty well shaved by the way. [Going. I won't bear to hear any body talk ill of him but
Enter GARNET. myself.
Garnet. Bless us! now I think on't, madam, you Garnet. Undone, undone, madam. Ah, Mr. need not be under any uneasiness : I saw Mr. Jarvis, you said right enough. As sure as death, Leontine receive forty guineas from his father just Mr. Honeywood's rogue of a drunken butler dropbefore he set out, and be can't yet have left the inn. ped the letter before he went ten yards from the A short letter will reach him there.
door. There's old Croaker has just picked it up, Olivia. Well remembered, Garnet; I'll write and is this moment reading it to himself in the hall. immediately. How's this! Bless me, my hand Olivia. Unfortunate! we shall be discovered. trembles so, I can't write a word. "Do you write, Garnet. No, malam; don't be uneasy, he can Garnet ; and, upon second thought, it will be bet- make neither head nor tail of it. To be sure he ter from you.
looks as if he was broke loose from Bedlam about Garnet. Truly, madam, I write and indite but it, but he can't find what it means for all that, 0 poorly. I never was 'cute at my learning. Butllud, he is coming this way all in the horrors!
Olivia. Then let us leave tłe house this instant, the bakers to poison us in our bread; and so kept for fear he should ask further questions. In the the family a week upon potatoes. mean time, Garnet, do you write and send off just Croaker. And potatoes were too good for them. such anotber.
(Ereunt. But why do I stand talking here with a girl, when
I should be facing the enemy without ? Here, John, Enter CROAKER.
Nicodemus, search the house. Look into the celCroaker. Death and destruction! Are all the lars, to see if there be any combustibles below; horrors of air, fire, and water, to be levelled only at and above, in the apartments, that no matches be me? Am I only to be singled out for gunpowder- thrown in at the windows. Let all the fires be put plots, combustibles and conflagration ? Here it is out, and let the engine be drawn out in the yard, An incendiary letter dropped at my door. “To to play upon the house in case of necessity. (Erit. Muster Croaker, these with speed.” Ay, ay, Miss Richland (alone.) What can he mean by plain enough the direction : all in the genuine all this? Yet why should I inquire, when he incendiary spelling, and as cramp as the devil. alarms us in this manner almost every day. But "With speed." O, confound your speed. But Honeywood has desired an interview with me in let me read it once more. (Reads.) “Muster private. What can he mean? or rather, what Croaker, as sone as yowe see this, leve twenty means this palpitation at his approach? It is the guineas at the bar of the Talboot tell called for, or first time he ever showed any thing in his conduct yowe and yower experetion will be all blown up." that seemed particular. Sure he can not mean to Ah, but too plain. Blood and gunpowder in every but he's here. line of it. Blown up! Murderous dog! All blown
Enter HONEYWOOD. up! Heavens! what have I and my poor family done, to be all blown up? [Reads.) “Our pockets Honeywood. I presumed to solicit this interview are low, and money we must have.” Ay, there's madam, before I left town, to be permitted, the reason; they'll blow us up, because they have Miss Richland. Indeed! Leaving town, sir?got low pockets. (Reads.) “It is but a short time Honeywood. Yes, madam; perhaps the kingyou have to consider ; for if this takes wind, the dom. I have presumed, I say, to desire the fappur house will quickly be all of a flame." Inhuman of this interview,-in order to disclose something monsters! blow us up, and then burn us! The which our long friendship prompts. And yet my earthquake at Lisbon was but a bonfire to it. fears (Reads.] “Make quick dispatch, and so no more Miss Richland. His fears! What are his fears at present. But may Cupid, the little god of love, to mine! (Aside.) We have indeed been long acgo with you wherever you go." The little god of quainted, sir ; very long. If I remember, our first love ! Cupid, the little god of love go with me!-Go meeting was at the French ambassador's.-Do you you to the devil, you and your little Cupid together. recollect how you were pleased to rally me apon, I'm so frightened, I scarce know whether I sit, my complexion there? stand, or go. Perhaps this moment I'm treading Honeywood. Perfectly, madam; I presumed to on lighted matches, blazing brimstone, and barrels reprove you for painting; but your warmer blushes of gunpowder. They are preparing to blow me soon convinced the company, that the colouring up into the clouds. Murder! We shall be all burnt was all from nature. in our beds; we shall be all burnt in our beds. Miss Richland. And yet you only meant it in
your good-natured way, to make me pay a compliEnter MISS RICHLAND.
ment to myself. In the same manner you danced Miss Richland. Lord, sir, what's the matter? that night with the most awkward woman in com
Croaker. Murder's the matter. We shall be all pany, because you saw nobody else would take her blown up in our beds before norning. Viss Richland. I hope not, sir,
Honeywood. Yes, and was rewarded the next Croaker. What signifies what you hope, madam, night, by dancing with the finest woman in comwhen I have a certificate of it here in my hand ? pany, whom every body wished to take out. Will nothing alarm my farnily? Sleeping and eat- Miss Richland. Well, sir, if you thought so ing, sleeping and eating is the only work from then, I fear your judgment has since corrected the morning till night in my house. My insensible errors of a first impression. We generally show crew could sleep though rocked by an earthquake, to most advantage at first. Our sex are like poor · and fry beef-steaks at a volcano.
tradesmen, that put all their best goods to be seen Miss Richland. But, sir, you have alarmed them at the windows, so often already; we have nothing but earthquakes, Honeywood, The first impression, madam, did famines, plagues, and mad dogs, from year's end indeed deceive me, I expected to find a woman to year's end. You remember, sir, it is not above with all the faults of conscious flattered beauty: I a month ago, you assured us of a conspiracy among expected to find her vain and insolent But every
day has since taught me, that it is possible to pos- | disclaim his friendship who ceases to be a friend to sess sense without pride, and beauty without affec- himself.
Honeywood. How is this ! she has confessed she Miss Richland. This, sir, is a style very unusual loved him, and yet she seemed to part in displeawith Mr. Honeywood; and I should be glad to sure. Can I have done any thing to reproach my know why he thus attempts to increase that vanity, self with? No; I believe not : yet after all, these which his own lessons have taught me to despise. things should not be done by a third person: I
Honeyrood. I ask pardon, madam. Yet, from should have spared her confusion. My friendship our long friendship, I presumed I might have some carried me a little too far. right to offer, without offence, what you may refuse, without offending.
Enter CROAKER, with the letter in his hand, and MRS Miss Richland. Sir! I beg you'd reflect: though, I fear, I shall scarce have any power to refuse a Mrs. Croaker. Ha! ha! ha! And so, my dear, request of yours, yet you may be precipitate : con- it's your supreme wish that I should be quite sider, sir.
wretched upon this occasion ? ha! ha! Honeywood. I own my rashness; but as I plead Croaker (Mimicking). Ha! ha! ha! And so, the cause of friendship, of one who loves—Don't my dear, it's your supreme pleasure to give me no be alarmed, madam- who loves you with the most better consolation? ardent passion, whose whole happiness is placed in Mrs. Croaker. Positively, my dear ; what is this you—
incendiary stuff and trumpery to me? our house Miss Richland. I fear, sir, I shall never find may travel through the air like the house of Loretwhom you mean, by this description of him. to, for aught I care, if I am to be miserable in it.
Honeywood. Ah, madam, it but too plainly Croaker. Would to Heaven it were converted points him out; though he should be too humble into a house of correction for your benefit. Have himself to urge his pretensions, or you too modest we not every thing to alarm us? Perhaps this very to understand them.
moment the tragedy is beginning. Miss Richland. Well; it would be affectation Mrs. Croaker. Then let us reserve our distress any longer to pretend ignorance; and I will own, till the rising of the curtain, or give them the mosir, I have long been prejudiced in his favour. It ney they want, and have done with them. was but natural to wish to make his heart mine, as Croaker. Give them my money!-And pray, he seemed himself ignorant of its value. what right have they to my money?
Honeymood. I see she always loved him. (Aside.) Mrs. Croaker. And pray, what right then have I find, madam, you're already sensible of his worth, you to my good-humour? his passion. How happy is my friend, to be the Croaker. And so your good-humour advises me favourite of one with such sense to distinguish to part with my money? Why then, to tell your merit, and such beauty to reward it.
good-humour a piece of my mind, I'd sooner part Miss Richland. Your friend, sir! What friend? with my wife. Here's Mr. Honeywood, see what
Honeywood. My best friend—my friend Mr. he'll say to it. My dear Honeywood, look at this Lofty, madam.
incendiary letter dropped at my door. It will freeze Miss Richland. He, sir !
you with terror; and yet lovey here can read it Honeymood. Yes, he, madam. He is, indeed, can read it, and laugh. what your warmest wishes might have formed him; Mrs. Croaker. Yes, and so will Mr. Honeyand to his other qualities he adds that of the most wood. passionate regard for you.
Croaker. If he does, I'll suffer to be hanged the Miss Richland. Amazement!—No more of this, next minute in the rogue's place, that's all
. I beg you, sir.
Mrs. Croaker. Speak, Mr. Honeywood; is there * Honeywood. I see your confusion, madam, and any thing more foolish than my husband's fright know how to interpret it. And, since I so plainly upon this occasion ? read the language of your heart, shall I make my Honeywood. It would not become me to decide, friend happy, by communicating your sentiments? madam; but doubtless, the greatness of his terrors Miss Richland. By no means.
now will but invite them to renew their villany Honeywood. Excuse me, I must; I know you another time. desire it.
Mrs. Croaker. I told you, he'd be of my opinion. Miss Richland. Mr. Honeywood, let me tell Croaker. How, sir! do you maintain that I Fou, that you wrong my sentiments and yourself. should lie down under such an injury, and show, When I first applied to your friendship, I expected neither by my tears nor complaints, that I have adv.ce and assistance; but now, sir, I see that it is something of the spirit of a man in me? in vain to expect happiness from him who has been Honeywood. Pardon me, sir. You ought to so bail an economist of his own; and that I must make the loudest complaints, if you desire redress
The surest way to have redress, is to be earnest in Honeywood. Ay, but not punish bim too rigidly. the pursuit of it.
Croaker. Well, well, leave that to my own beCroaker. Ay, whose opinion is he of now? nevolence.
Mrs. Croaker. But don't you think that laugh- Honeywood. Well, I do; but remember that ing off our tears is the best way?
universal benevolence is the first law of nature. Honeywood. What is the best, madam, few can (Exeunt Honeywood and Mrs. Croaker say; but I'll maintain it to be a very wise way. Croaker. Yes; and my universal benevolence
Croaker. But we're talking of the best. Surely will hang the dog, if he had as many necks as a the best way is to face the enemy in the field, and hydra. not wait till he plunders usin our very bed-chamber.
Honeyrood. Why sir, as to the best, thatthat's a very wise way too.
ACT V Mrs. Croaker. But can any thing be more absurd, than'to double our distresses by our apprehensions, and put it in the power of every low fel
Enter OLIVIA, JARVIS. low, that can scrawl ten words of wretched spelling, to torment us.
Oliria. Well, we have got safe to the inn, Honeymood. Without doubt, nothing more ab- however. Now, if the post-chaise were readysuru.
Jarvis. The horses are just finishing their vats; Croaker. How! would it not be more absurd to and, as they are not going to be married, they despise the rattle till we are bit by the snake? choose to take their own time.
Honeywood. Without doubt, perfectly absurd. Oliria. You are for ever giving wrong motives
Jervis. Be as impatient as you will, the horses
Honcyıtood. IIeavens forbid, madam! No sure, sider we have got no answer from our fellow trano reasoning can be more just than yours. We veller yet. If we hear nothing from Mr. Leontine, ought certainly to despise malice if we can not op- we have only one way left us. pose it, and not make the incendiary's pen as fatal
Olivia. What way? to our repose as the highwayman's pistol.
Jurvis. The way hoine again. Mrs. Croaker. O! then you think I'm quite Olivia. Not so. I have made a resolution to go, right.
and nothing shall induce me to break it. Honeywood. Perfectly right.
Jarvis. Ay; resolutions are well kept, when Croaker. A plague of plagues, we can't be both they jump with inclination. However, I'll go right. I ought to be sorry, or I ought to be glad. hasten things without. And I'll call, too, at the My hat must be on my head, or my hat must be off: bar, to see if any thing should be left for us there.
Mrs. Croaker. Certainly, in two opposite opin- Don't be in such a plaguy hurry, madam, and we ions, if one be perfectly reasonable, the other can't shall go the faster, I promise you. (E.rit Jarris. be perfectly right.
Enter LANDLADY. Honeymood. And why may not both be right, madam? Mr. Croaker in earnestly seeking redress, Landlady. What! Solomon, why don't you and you in waiting the event with good-humour ? move? Pipes and tobacco for the Lamb there. Pray, let me see the letter again. I have it. This will nobody answer? To the Dolphin ; quick. letter requires twenty guineas to be left at the bar The Angel has been outrageous this half hour. of the Talbot Inn. If it be indeed an incenóliary Did your ladyship call, madam? letter, what if you and I, sir, go there; and when Oliria. No, madam. the writer comes to be paid for his expected booty, Landlady. I tind as you're for Scotland, madam, seize him.
-But that's no business of mine; married, or not Crouker. My dear friend, it's the very thing; married, I ask no questions. To be sure we had the very thing. While I walk by the door, you a sweet little couple set off from this two days ago shall plant yourself in ambush near the bar; burst for the same place. The gentleman, for a tailor, out upon the miscreant like a masked battery; ex- was, to be sure, as fine a spoken tailor as ever blew tort a confession at once, and so hang him up by froth from a full pot. And the young lady so bashsurprise.
, it was near half an hour before we could get Honeymood. Yes, but I would not choose to ex- her to finish a pint of raspberry between us. ercise too much severity. It is my maxim, sir, that Olivia. But this gentleman and I are not going crimes generally punish themselves.
to be married, I assure you. Croaker. Well, but we may upbraid him a little, Landlady. May-be not. That's no business of I suppose ?
(Ironically. mine; for certain, Scotch marriages seldom turn
out. There was, of my own knowledge, Miss Mac- employment till we are out of danger, nothing can
sincerity, and even his desires to serve us. My Olivia. A very pretty picture of what lies before fears are from your father's suspicions. A mind me!
Aside. so disposed to be alarmed without a cause, will be
but too ready when there's a reason. Enter LEONTINE.
Leontine. Why let him when we are out of his Leontine. My dear Olivia, my anxiety, till you power. But believe me, Olivia, you have no great were out of danger, was too great to be resisted. I reason to dread his resentment. His repining temcould not help coming to see you set out, though it per, as it does no manner of injury to himself, so exposes us to a discovery.
will it never do harm to others. He only frets to Olivia. May every thing you do prove as fortu- keep himself employed, and scolds for his private nate. Indeed, Leontine, we have been most cru- amusement. elly disappointed. Mr. Honeywood's bill upon the Olivia. I don't know that; but, I'm sure, on city has, it seems, been protested, and we have some occasions it makes him look most shockingly. been utterly at a loss how to proceed.
Croaker (discovering himself.) How does he Leontine. How! an offer of his own too. Sure, look now ?-How does he look now? he could not mean to deceive us ?
Olivia. Ah! Olivia. Depend upon his sincerity; he only mis- Leontine. Undone, took the desire for the power of serving us. But Croaker. How do I look now? Sir, I am your let us think no more of it. I believe the post-chaise very humble servant. Madam, I am yours. What, is ready by this.
you are going off, are you? Then, first, if you Landlady. Not quite yet; and, begging your please, take a word or two from me with you before ladyship's pardon, I don't think your ladyship quite you go. Tell me first where you are going; and ready for the post-chaise. The north road is a cold when you have told me that, perhaps I shall know place, madam. I have a drop in the house of as as little as I did before. pretty raspberry as ever was tipt over tongue. Just Leontine. If that bo so, our answer might but a thimble-full to keep the wind off your stomach. increase your displeasure, without adding to your To be sure, the last couple we had here, they said information. it was a perfect nosegay. Ecod, I sent them both Croaker. I want no information from you, puppy: away as good-natured—Up went the blinds, round and you too, good madam, what answer have you went the wheels, and drive away post-boy was the got? Eh! (A cry without, stop him.) I think I word.
heard a noise. My friend Honeywood without
has he seized the incendiary? Ah, no, for now Enter CROAKER.
I hear no more on't. Croaker. Well, while my friend Honeywood is Leontine. Honeywood without! Then, sir, it upon the post of danger at the bar, it must be my was Mr. Honeywood that directed you hither ? business to have an eye about me here. I think I Croaker. No, sir, it was Mr. Honeywood conknow an incendiary's look; for wherever the devil ducted me hither. makes a purchase, he never fails to set his mark. Leontine. Is it possible ? Ha! who have we here? My son and daughter! Croaker. Possible! Why lia's in the house now, What can they be doing here?
sir; more anxious about me than my own son, sir. Landlady. I tell you, madam, it will do you Leontine. Then, sir, he's a villain. good; I think I know by this time what's good for Croaker. How, sirrah! a villain, because he takes the north road. It's a raw night, madam.-Sir-most care of your father? I'll not bear it. I tell
Leontine. Not a drop more, good madam. I you I'll not bear it. Honeywood is a friend to the should now take it as a greater favour, if you hasten family, and I'll have him treated as such. the horses, for I am afraid to be seen myself. Leontine. I shall study lo repay his friendship
Landlady. That shall be done. Wha, Solo. as it deserves, mon! are you all dead there? Wha, Solomon, I Croaker. Ah, rogue, if you knew how earnestly
[Erit, bawling. he entered into my griefs, and pointed out the means Olivia. Well, I dread lest an expedition begun to detect them, you would love him as I do. [A in fear, should end in repentance. Every moment cry without, stop him.] Fire and fury! they have we stay increases our danger, and adds to my ap- seized the incendiary: they have the villain, 'ne prehensions.
incendiary in view. Stop him! stop an incendiaLeontine. There's no danger, trust me, my dear; ry! a murderer! stop him!
(Exit. there can be none. If Honeywood has acted with Olivia. O, my terrors! What can this tumul. honour, and kept my father, as he promised, in mean?