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WIT AND HUMOR.
In Scotland there are narrow open ditches which are called sheep drains. A man was riding a donkey across a sheep pasture, but when the animal came to a sheep drain it would not go over it. So the man rode him back a short distance, turned him round and applied the whip, thinking <f course, that the donkey, when going at the top of his speed, would jump the drain before he knew it. But not o. When the donkey got to the drain he stopped all of a sudden, and the man went over Mr. Neddy's head. No lOoncr hail he touched the ground, than he got up, and ooking the beast straight in the face, he said, " Verra weel niched; but then, hoe are yaun tae get ower yerseP?"
"How is this—thirty-two francs for such a lunch ?" cries a customer to a waiter in a restaurant. The proprietor of the • i.-.!iiishment comes up, looks at the man, and says, in a itvere tone, to the waiter, " Antonio, you should have seen »hether his overcoat was worth enough to pay the bill."
Clergyman (to newly-wedded pair): "The marriage Site imposes various duties. The husband must protect life wife, while the wife must follow the husband wheresoever he goes." Bride: "Lor', sir, can't that be altered in sot cue? My husband is going to be a letter-carrier."
When you see a man take off his hat to you it is a sign i'i.it he respects you. But when he is seen divesting himself of bis coat you can make up your mind that he intends you •bjll respect him.
An amusing story is told of Rowland Hill. One evening he was preaching, when a shower came on, and his chapel «*j filled with devotees. With that peculiar sarcastic intonation which none could assume so successfully as him self, he quietly remarked: "My brethren, I have often Uard that religion can be made a cloak, but this is the first occasion on which I ever knew it could be converted into •a umbrella."
Epigram on a schoolmaster who was born without a •^bi band :
'* Though of the right hand Nature has bereft thee,
Anecdote of Goldsmith.—Goldsmith was always plain n his appearance; but when a boy, and immediately after a 'severe attack of small-pox, he was particularly ugly. When u 'was about seven years old a fiddler, who passed for a «ii. happened to be playing to some company in Mrs. Gold•rmh's house. During a pause in one of the square dances, m!- Oliver surprised the party by jumping up suddenly and fencing around the room. Struck with the grotesque apf«ar»nce of the ill favored child, the fiddler exclaimed, "and the company burst into laughter, when Oliver
them with a smile, and said:
Humor.—Humor is essentially the expression of a personal idiosyncrasy, and a man is a humorist just because the tragic and the comic elements of life present themselves to his mind in new and unexpected combinations. The objects of other men's reverence strike him from the ludicrous point of view, and he sees something attractive in the things they affect to despise. It is his function to strip off the commonplaces by which we have tacitly agreed to cover over our doubts and misgivings, and to explode empty pretences by the touch of a vigorous originality; and therefore it is that the great mass of mankind are apt to look upon humor of the stronger flavor with suspicion. They suspect the humorist, not without reason, of laughing at their beards. They can enjoy the mere buffoonery which comes from high spirits combined with thoughtlessness. And they can fairly appreciate the gentle humor of Addison, or Goldsmith, or Charles Lamb, where the kindliness of his intention is so obvious that the irony is felt to be harmless. As soon as the humorist begins to be more pungent, and the laughter to be edged with scorn and indignation, good, quiet people, who do not like to be shocked, begin to draw back.
A High House.—A French ambassador, who was a very tall man, received an appointment to the court of James I. After his introduction, the king asked Lord Bacon what he thought of him. "He appears," said the philosopher, "like a very high house, the upper story of which is generally worst finished."
A brewer being drowned in his own vat, the witty Jekyll is reported to have said that the verdict of the coroner's jury should be, " Found floating on his watery bier."
A young lady who is studying, lately wrote to her parents that she was invited to a dtjeneur the day before, and was going to a file champltre the next day. The professor of the college was surprised to receive a despatch from the "old man" a day or two after saying, "If you don't keep my daughter away from these menageries and side shows, I will come down and see what ails her."
"Mrs. Caddy," said Twinkle to the landlady at breakfast the other morning, " Mrs. Caddy, this shad isn't as good as we had last Sunday." "I assure you," answered she, with a triumphant air, " it's the very same fish, sir."
Piron did not like " Nanine," one of Voltaire's dramatic pieces. "Why did you not hiss it?" says Voltaire. "Because it was impossible," said the other, " to hiss, and yawn at the same time."
A pompous fellow made some inadequate offer for a valuable property, and calling the next day for an answer, inquired of the gentleman if he had entertained his proposition. "No," replied the other, " but your proposition entertained me."
A Dutchman was relating his marvelous escape from drowning when thirteen of his companions were lost by the upsetting of a boat, and he alone was saved. "And how did you escape their fate?" asked one of his hearers. "I tid not co in te bote," was the Dutchman's placid answer.
An old judge of the New York Supreme Court, meeting a friend in a neighboring village, exclaimed, "Why, what are you doing here?" "I'm at work, trying to make an honest living," was the reply. "Then you'll succeed," said the judge, " for you'll have no competition."
An impecunious fortune-hunter having been accepted by an heiress, at the wedding, when that portion of the ceremony was reached where the bridegroom says, " With all my worldly goods I thee endow," a spiteful relative of the bride exclaimed, " There goes his valise!"
• • You see," said a lively old Aberdeen bachelor, on being advised to get married, " You see I can't do it, because I could not marry a woman I didn't respect, and it would be impossible for me to respect a woman that would consent to marry me."
The Cat-o'-Nine-T«ils.—A sailor who served on board a British man-of-war, the Tartar, in 1747, when tied up to receive his punishment, addressed the following lines to his commander, who had a very strong antipathy to cats:
"By your Honor's command, as example I stand
Of your justice to all the ship's crew;
In this scurvy condition, I humbly petition.
To offer some lines to your eye;
And if fate and you please, 10 may I.
There is nothing you hate, I'm informed, like the cat.
Why, your Honor's aversion is mine;
O, save me from that which has nine."
"If Jones undertakes to pull my ears," said a loud-mouthed fellow on the street corner, "he will just have his hands full." The crowd looked at the man's ears and laughed.
"This is a sad commentary on our boasted civilization," a tramp despondently observed when he discovered that the ham he had taken from the front of a shop was a wooden
A little boy asked his mother to talk to him and say something funny. "How can I?" she asked; '"'don't you see I am busy baking these pies?" "Well, you might say, 'Charley, won't you have a pie?' That would be funny for you."
A man who had been away in the Arctic regions for some four years, engaged in whaling, landed at Dundee. Wishing to hear the Gospel preached, he entered one of the churches. When he came out, one of his mates asked him, "Well, Jack, how do you like the sermon?" "Oh," he replied, "it was a nice sermon enough, but there was no harpoon in it."
Elderly gentleman to a freshman on the train: "To don't have any ticket?" "No, I travel on my good bob "Then," after looking him over, "probably you iin'1 jti very far."
Double and Twisted. — A laughable circum5Janoc ui.cr took place upon a trial in Lancashire, where the Ret. Mi Wood was examined as a witness. Upon giving hi, paint Ottiwell Wood, the judge addressing the reverend per** said: "Pray, Mr. Wood, how do you spell your unit' The old gentleman replied:
"O double T,
I double U,
I double L.
Double O, D."
Upon which the astonished lawyer laid down his jet, saying it was the most extraordinary name he had fYo»-in his life, and after two or three attempts, declared he TO unable to record it. The court was convulsed wil
At a legal investigation of a liquor seizure the JuJgt ui^ an unwilling witness: "What was in the barrel that ym had?" The reply was: "Well, your Honor, it was market 'whisky' on one end of the barrel, and • Pit Dutfy' w the other end, so that I can't say whether it was whisky <r P* Duffy was in the barrel, being as I am on my oath."
Rev. Dr. Alexander relates that there lived hi Fertta shire a half-witted man, who was in the habit of sayrag t>» prayers in a field behind a turf-dyke. One day he wuH lowed to this spot by some wags, who secreted themwlfO K the opposite side, listening to the man at his devotions. »b expressed his conviction that he was a very great «nntr, «4 that, even were the turf-dyke at that moment to fill of* him, it would be no more than he deserved. No sooner iud he said this than the persons on the opposite side pmboi ti: dyke over him, when, scrambling out, he was heard too. "Hech, sirs! its an awful world this: a body thing in a joke, but it's ta'en in earnest."
Two children were engaged in a dispute as to the merits of their respective fathers. Finally, one of iheosiA in a tone of triumph: "Well, my papa is the bravest »»way; he "listed in the war." "Huh, that's nothing'," »*> the disdainful rejoinder; "my papa 'listed three times in w year, and got a bounty every time."
A gentleman addresses another gentleman, wboa he doesn't know, at a party: "This affair is awfully sJapiJ. t* go out and take a drink." "I would like to do it." «*»*• reply, " but I can't leave very well, because you MT 1 in b, one that is giving the party."
Voltaire compared the English nation to a barrel d ifc* own ale; the top of which is froth, the bottom drop. »«* the middle excellent.
A young clerk in Holyoke spent six hours in » teat erator the other day, having been imprisoned He felt, on coming out, as though he had ins tained at a fashionable church sociable.
Standing on the upper deck of one of those commodious iron steamers which ply between San Francisco and Portland, Oregon, you espy, on nearing the mouth of the Columbia River, a long surf line which stretches from Cape Disappointment, a rocky promontory to the north, down the coast for four or five miles, and terminates at a sandy spit called Point Adams. If it is a calm day on which you enter, the bar will be comparatively smooth; but if a storm is raging, great walls of foam will rear themselves in front, at side to rear. Then what frantic leaps and darts! All is tumult now. White-crested billows lash the steamer's side, and your ears resound with a thunVol. XV.—16
dering roar. But playfully tossing into Hpray the opposing breakers, the vessel soon glides out and upon the bosom of the broad Columbia, and is furrowing her waters. Including an arm of the river to the north, called Baker's Bay, and another to the south, named Young's, the river here reaches a width of eighteen mile*. Young'B River, emptying into the eastern side of the last-named bay, offers a pleasing attraction in a waterfall of itome forty-five feet descent. Rounding a projecting point which has hitherto hid it from view, we now come upon the oldest American settlement on the northwest coast, the one, too, of romance and historical interest,—Astoria.
. the ink* to nafce in e aaru-_. .***.. n/ tW b^kts abort bat daring which inciads Ac iptiug and summer ch amber is nearly Fisheries and onoeria ace thickly w atw n it along either hash of the D J i for many ■iies an srrriM, there being it a. docea in the immediate of Astoria, and which con stirate a large portion of her com■ureal wealth.
The narrow hillside which bach and is a part of Astoria, is picturesqaely dotted with neat-built cottages, some few reaching even to the top of the slope. From here a fine view of the surrounding scenery is obtained. Seaward, Young's Bay nestles quietly in the arms of the peninsular points which almost enclose her, while through a depression in a land-neck farther on, is seen the ruffled waters of the mighty Pacific. A little to the north are the cages at the mouth of the Columbia, seemingly bound together with a continuous chain of whitecaps. Like a huge tower sunds the lighthouse on the north cape, and you find yourself imagining that near it you can descry the numerous cannons which frown ingly guard the channel. To the
BHU-At. V«L FALLS, KMI THE CASCADES. ^^ deeply.wooded highlinds
llntflly a veutlgc now remains of the Astoria | furnish an embankment to the Columbia, which,
:re five miles in width, sweeps between. East
ard, Mounts Adams and St. Helens lift their
aary peaks majestically above the intermediate
ills and forests, and add their snowy whiteness
) the scene. For many miles above Astoria the Columbia
resembles more a vast bay than
river. Many and frequent in
entations pierce its banks, when
width of seven or eight miles
rill be reached, then it is nar
owed somewhat by abrupt
leadlands, which bid defiance
o the farther encroachment of
he waters. The banks are cohered with a dense forest of fir,
Truce and hemlock, while
amidst the undergrowth trail
lovely vines and mosses. But,
however refreshing the view at
first appears, the scenery of each
hour nearly repeats itself, and,
ere Portland is reached, one
finds himself questioning if it
would not be a relief to see the
timbered slopes occasionally displaced by rolling prairies.
On the way up to Portland, which from Astoria is one hundred and ten miles and takes about eight hours to reach, many objects of interest are pointed out which are historically connected with the aboriginal races which here roamed at will. Among these are Mount Coffin on the left bank, and Coffin Rock on the right, the tops of which were formerly used as burial-places for the neighboring tribes. From the limbs of the stubby trees or upon driven posts were suspended their oddly-carved canoes in which had been laid the bodies of their comrades, wrapped and re-wrapped in blankets and robes. The bows and arrows of the warriors, their tomahawks and knives, their trinkets and cooking utensils, were placed in or hung near their unique coffins. Here, many years since, I'll exploring party came near having to atone for
an unfortunate calamity with their lives. A lighted match was by chance dropped in the dry grass. The flames spread, and before they could be extinguished several dead bodies had undergone cremation. But by the assurance of all that the circumstance was purely accidental, and with the
Near Cathlame, Lower Columbia.
gift of several valuable presents, the wrath of the dark savage was appeased.
Many settlements or small towns are scattered along both banks of the Columbia, most of them being built on sloping hillsides, and depending either on fisheries or sawmills for their main sup