principle I rather think I mentioned this before-suffer no "guardianships," or "trusteeships," in your family, to disturb your reign, or fret your quiet. I knew a very worthy fellow, who, having only a marriage settlement brought to him, broke the solicitor's clerk's neck down stairs that brought it; and it was brought in "Justifiable Homicide." If a dog dares but to hint that there is such a thing as "parchment" in your presence, plump, and rib him. I don't think, by the way, that there ought to be any parchment, except the petitions to the House of Commons, which are cut up to supply the tailors with measures. This is useful. Messrs Shiel and O'Connell's work takes the dimensions of my person once a month very accurately. I mention this, because it has been said that no measures, in which the work of those gentlemen was concerned, ever could be taken accurately. MAXIM XVI. Talking of accuracy leads me to observe :-Don't marry any woman hastily at Brighton or Brussels, without knowing who she is, and where she lived before she came there. And whenever you get a reference upon this, or any other subject, always be sure and get another reference about the person referred to. MAXIM XVII. Don't marry any woman under twenty-she is not come to her wickedness before that time. Nor any woman who has a red nose at any age; because people make observations as you go along the street. A "cast of the eye," as the lady casts it upon you may pass muster under some circumstances and I have even known those who thought it desirable; but absolute squinting is a monopoly of vision which ought not to be tolerated. one can MAXIM XVIII. Talking of " vision," reminds me of an absurd saying, That such or such a see as far through a mill-stone as those that picked it." I don't be lieve that any man ever saw through a mill-stone but Jeremy Bentham; and he looked through the hole. MAXIM XIX, One hears a great deal about "City taste;" I must say, I don't think an Alderman's daughter by any means (qua Cornhill merely) objectionable. A fine girl may be charming, even though her father should be a Common Coun cilman-Recollect this. MAXIM XX. On the question of getting an insight into matters before marriage, if pos sible, I have dropped a word already. It is a point of very great importance, and there are two or three modes in which you may take your chance for aecomplishing it. If you are up to hiring yourself into any house as a chambermaid-it requires tact, and close shaving; but it would put you into the way of finding out a thing or two. I" took up my livery" once as a footman, and I protest I learned so much in three weeks, that I would not have married any female in the family. An old maiden aunt, or sister, if you have one, is capable of great service. She will see more of a tomboy in five minutes than you would in six months; because, having been in the oven herself, she knows the way. On the other hand, there is the danger that she may sell you to some estate that she thinks lies convenient; or even job you off to some personal favourite, without the consideration of any estate at all. The Punic faith of all agents -and especially one's own relatives-is notorious. MAXIM XXI. On the subject of accomplishment, it is hardly my business to advise. I leave a great part-the chief part-upon this point, to your own fancy. Only don't have any waltzing, nor too much determined singing of Moore's songs; there is bad taste, to say the best of it, in all such publicities. For music, I don't think there is a great deal gained by a woman's being able to make an alarming jangle on the piano-forte, particularly under that unmerciful scheme of "Duets," in which two tyrants are enabled to belabour the machine at the same time. Dancing, a girl ought to be able to execute well; but don't go anywhere, where a Monsieur has been employed to give the instruction. As dancing is an art to be acquired merely from imitation, a graceful femalebeing the precise thing to be imitated-must be a far more efficient teacher than even Mr. Kick-the-Moon himself can be. Besides, I don't like the notion of a d-d scraper putting a girl of thirteen into attitudes. If I were to catch a balletmaster capering in my house, I'd qualify the dog to lead in the opera before he departed. N.B.-Now we are on the subject of dancing, don't on any account marry a "lively" young lady. That is, in other words, a "romp." That is, in other words, a woman who has been hauled about by half your acquaintance. And now, my friends, my first twenty-one rules-just beginning your instruction, each of you, how to get a wife -are spoken out. And any directions how to manage one, if they come at all, must come at some future opportunity. Just two words, however, even upon this head; for I would not leave you, upon any subject, too much unprovided. In the first place, on the very day after your marriage, whenever you do marry, take one precaution-be cursed with no more troubles for life than you have bargained for. Call the roll of all your wife's even speaking acquaintance; and strike out every soul that you have or fancy you ought to have or fancy you ever shall have -a glimpse of dislike to. Upon this point be merciless; your wife won't hesitate a hundred to one-between a husband and a gossip; and-if she does-don't you. Be particularly sharp upon the list of women; of course, men-you would frankly kick any one from Pall-Mall to Pimlico, who presumed only to recollect ever having seen her. And don't be manoeuvred out of what you mean, by cards, or morning calls, or any notion of what people call "good breeding." Do you be content to show your ill breeding by shutting the door, and the visitors can show their good breeding by not coming again. One syllable more to part-if you wish to be happy yourself, be sure that you must make your wife so. Never dispute with her where the question is of no importance; nor, where it is of the least consequence, let any earthly consideration ever once induce you to give way. Be at home as much as you can; be as strict as you will, but never speak unkindly; and never have a friend upon such terms in your house, as to be able to enter it without ceremony. Above all, remember that these maxims are intrusted to all of you, as to persons of reason and discretion. A naked sword only cuts the fingers of a madman; and the rudder with which the pilot saves the ship, in the hands of the powder monkey, would only probably force her upon the rocks. Recollect, that your inquest as to matrimony is a matter of the greatest nicety; because, either an excess of vigilance, or a deficiency, will alike compromise its success. If you don't question far enough, the odds are ten to one that you get a wife who will disappoint you. If you question a jot too far, you will never get a wife at all. TITUS. ON the morning after the business of the playhouse happened, I had to take my breakfast in my bed, a thing very uncommon for me, being gene rally up by cock-craw, except on Sunday mornings whiles, when ilka ane, according to the bidding of the Fourth Commandment, has a license to do as he likes; having a desperate sore head, and a squeamishness at the stomach, occasioned, I jealouse, in a great measure, from what Mr. Glen and me had discussed at Widow Grassie's, in the shape of warm toddy, over our cracks concerning what is called the Agricultural and the Manufacturing interests. So our wife, puir body, pat a thimbleful of brandy, Thomas Mixem's real, into my first cup of tea, which had a wonderful virtue in putting all things to rights; so that I was up and had shapit a pair of leddy's corsets, an article in which I sometimes dealt, before ten o'clock, though the morning being gae cauld, I didna dispense with my Kilmarnock. At eleven in the forenoon, or thereabouts, maybe five minutes before or after, but nae matter, in comes my crony Maister Glen, rather dazed-like about the een; and wi' a large piece of white sticking-plaister, about half a nail wide, across one of his cheeks, and over the brig o' his nose; giving him a wauf, outlandish, and rather blackguard sort of appearance; so that I was a thought uneasy at what neebours might surmeese concerning our intimacy; but the honest man accounted for the thing in a very feasible manner, from the falling down on that side of his head of one of the brass candlesticks, while he was lying on his braidside, before ane of the furms in the stramash. His purpose of calling was to tell me, that he couldna leave the town without looking in upon me to bid me fareweel; mair betoken, as he intend BURNS. ed sending in his son Francie wi' the carrier for a trial, to see how the line of life pleased him, and how I thocht he wad answer a thing which I was glad came from his side of the house, being likely to be in the upshot the best for baith parties. Yet I thocht he wad find our way of doing so canny and comfortable, that it wasna very likely he could ever start objections; and I must confess, that I lookit forit with nae sma' degree of pride, seeing the probability of my sune having the son of a Lammermuir farmer sitting cross-leggit, cheek for jowl wi' me on the board, and bound to serve me at all lawful times, by night and day, by a regular indenture of five years. Maister Glen insisted on the laddie having a three months' trial; and then, after a wee show of standing out, just to make him aware that I could be elsewhere fitted if I had a mind, I agreed that the request was reasonable, and that I had nae yearthly objections to conforming wi't. So, after geeing him his meridian, and a bit of shortbread, we shook hands, and parted in the understanding, that his son would arrive on the tap of limping Jamie the carrier's cart, in the course, say, of a fortnight. Through the haill course of the forepart of the day, I remained gayan queerish, as if something was working about my inwards, and a droll pain atween my een. The wife saw the case I was in, and advised me, for the sake of the fresh air, to take a step into the bit garden, and try a hand at the spade, the smell of the fresh earth being likely to operate as a cordial; but na-it wadna do; and whan I came in at ane o'clock to my dinner, the steam of the fresh broth, instead of making me feel as usual as hungry as a hawk, was like to turn my stamach, while the sight of the sheep'shead, ane o' the primest anes I had seen the haill season, made me as sick as a dog; so I could do naething but take a turn out again, and swig away at the small beer, that never seemed able to slocken my drouth. At lang and last, I mindit having heard Andrew Redbeak, the excise-offisher, say, that naething ever pat him right after a deboch, except something they call a bottle of soda-water; so my wife dispatched Benjie to the place where we kent it could be found, and he returned in a jiffie with a thing like a blacking bottle below his daidly, as he was bidden. There being a wire ower the cork, for some purpose or ither, or inaybe just to look neat, we had some fight to get it torn away, but at last we succeeded. I had turned about for a jug, and the wife was rummaging for the screw, while Benjie was fiddling away wi' his fingers at the cork -Sauf us! a' at ance it gacd a thud like thunder, driving the cork ower puir Benjie's head, while it spouted up in his een like a fire-engine, and I had only just time to throw down the jug, and up with the bottle to my mouth. Luckily, for the sixpence it cost, there was a drap o't left, which tasted, by all the world, just like brisk dish-washings; but for a' that, it had a wonderful power of setting me to rights; and my noddle in a while began to clear up, like a March day, af ter a heavy shower. I mind very weel to, on the afternoon of the dividual same day, that my door-neibour, Thomas Burlings, pappit in; and, in our twa-bandit crack ower the counter, after asking me in a dry, curious way, if I had come by nae skaith in the business of the play, he said, the thing had now spread far and wide, and was making a great noise in the world. I thocht the body a thocht sharp in his observes; so I pretended to take it quite lightly, proceeding in my shaping-out a pair of buckskin breeches, which I was making for ane of the Duke's huntsmen; so, seeing he was aff the scent, he said, in a mair jocose way "Weel, speaking about buckskins, I'll tell ye a guid story about that." "Let us hear't," said I; for I was in that sort of queerish way, that I didna care muckle about being very busy. "Ye'se get it as I heard it," quo' Thomas; "and it's no less worth telling, that it bears a guid moral applica tion in its tail, after the same fashion that a blister does guid by sucking away the vicious humours of the body, thereby making the very pain it gies precious." And here-though maybe it was just my thocht the body strokit his chin, and gied me a kind of half glee, as muckie as saying, "take that to ye, neibour." But I deserved it all, and couldna take it ill aff his hand, being, like mysell, ane of the elders of our kirk, and an honest enough, preceesespeaking man. 3 "Ye see, ye ken," said Thomas, "that the Breadalbane Fencibles, a wheen Highland birkies, were put into camp on Fisherraw links, maybe for the benefit of their douking, on account of the fiddle*- or maybe in case the French should land at the watermouth or maybe to gie the regiment the benefit of the sea air-or maybe to make their bare houghs hardier, for it, was the winter time, frost and snaw being as plenty as ye like, and no sae scarce as pantaloons amang the core, or for some ither reason, guid, bad, or indifferent, which disna muckle matter; but ye see the lang and the short o' the story is, that there they were encamped, man and mother's son of them, going through their dreels by day, and sleeping by night-the privates in their tents, and the offishers in their markees; living in the course of nature on their usual rations of beef, and tammies, and sae on. So, ye understand me, there was nae such smart ordering of things in the army in those days, the men not having the beef served out to them by a butcher, sup-· plying each company or companies by a written contract, drawn up between him and the paymaster before sponsiple witnesses; but ilka ane bringing what pleased him, either tripe, trotters, steaks, cows-cheek, pluck, hough, spar-rib, jigget, or so forth." " "Od!" said I, Thomas, ye crack like a minister. Where did ye happen to pick up all that knowledge ?" "Where should I have got it, but from an auld half-pay serjeant-major, that lived in our spare-room, and had been out in the American war, having seen a pour of service, and been twice wounded, ance in the aff cuit, and the ither time in the cuff of the neck." "I thocht as muckle," said I"Weel, say on, man, it's unco entertaining." See Dr Jamieson. 1 VOL. XIX. 4 D topconcerning, which it fell out, as usual, that he happened to be making rounds, halting a moment, or twa may be, before ilka pat; the man that had the charge thereof, by the way of stirring like, clapping down his lang fork, and bringing up the piece of meat, or whatever he happened to be making kail of, to let the Inspector see whether it was lamb, pork, beef, mutton, or veal. For, ye observe," continued Thomas, gieing me, as I took it to mysell, anither queer side look, "the purpose of the offisher ma king the bot their pay-money conPBW inspection, was to see that they military regulation; and no to filling their stamicks, and ruining baith sowl and body, by throwing it away on whisky, as but ower mony, that aiblens should hae kenned better, have often." Just so," answered Thomas; "but where was I at? Ou, about the whisky, Weel, speaking about the whisky, ye see the offisher, Lovetenant Todrick, I blief they called him, had made an observe about Duncan's kettle; so, when he cam to him, Duncan was sitting in the lown side of a dyke, with his red nose, and a pipe in his cheek, on a big stane, glowring frae him anither way; and as I was saying, when he cam to him he said, "Every man to his taste, please your honours, answered Duncan Mac-. Alpine; let ilka ane please her nain sell,'-hauling up a screed half a yard lang, Ilka man to his taste, please your honour, Lovetenant Todrick 90 21512 |