Lord made a few words which I spoke sharper than a two-edged sword. Conviction so fastened upon her heart that she was soon obliged to take to her bed. She lay about seven days in deep distress. She then had a comfortable hope; and this strengthened her body for a few days. But then her convictions returned so heavily, that she was obliged to take her bed again, in great agony of mind. The townspeople were alarmed, and ran in crowds to inquire what was the matter; what could distress her, who had enough of the world's wealth, and was so good a woman? But they gave her no satisfaction. As soon as they were gone, she immediately called for me, and cried out, "O John, I shall go to hell; the devil will carry me away." I said, "No! you shall not go to hell! The Lord died for poor sinners.” She lay in this distress about ten days, and was brought to the gates of death. But the good Samaritan then passed by, poured wine and oil into her wounds, and healed both soul and body; so that she broke out, "Jehovah is my strength and my song. He is my salvation! Come, all ye that fear the Lord, and I will tell you what He hath done for my soul." 58. I now thought it would be a great blessing both to herself and her neighbours, if she would pray with them. She agreed so to do. I commonly prayed first, and she afterwards. Sometimes she prayed half an hour together; and often with such demonstration of the Spirit, as well as such understanding, that the whole house seemed full of the presence of the Lord. At other times she wept like a child, and said, "Lord, what is this that Thou hast done? Thou hast sent a man from another nation as an instrument of saving me from ruin! I was rich before, and increased in goods, and knew not that I was blind and naked." Many of her friends and neighbours were concerned for her; but not so much as she was for them, as well knowing they were seeking death in the error of their life. This she declared to them without reserve; and the publishing this strange doctrine spread our names far and near, not only through the town, but the adjacent country. This brought many from distant towns to see her, who usually returned blessing God for the consolation. Some came upwards of twenty miles in a morning. After breakfast, I used to pray first; and she went on. Many of our visitants were much affected, and wept bitterly. And the impression did not soon wear off. By this means, we became acquainted with many of the Christians in Holland. They were a free, loving people. So we found them; and so did many of the Methodist soldiers: for they gave them house-room and firing freely. And is not the promise of the Lord sure ?—" Whoever shall give unto one of these a cup of cold water only, in the name of a disciple, shall in no wise lose his reward." 59. All this time I was still buffeted with sore temptations. I thought I was worse than Cain; that I had "crucified the Son of God afresh, and put Him to open shame." In rough weather, it was often suggested to me, "This is on your account! See, the earth is cursed for your sake; and it will be no better till you are in hell." I expected soon to be a prey for devils, as I was driven from all the happiness I once enjoyed. Frequently the trouble of my mind made me so weak in body, that it was with the greatest difficulty I performed my exercise. The Lord. had indeed given me "a trembling heart, and failing of eyes, and sorrow of mind; and my life did hang in doubt before me, and I feared day and night, having no assurance of my life." Often did I wish I had never been converted; often that I had never been born. Sometimes I could not bear the sight of a good man without pain; much less be in his company. Yet I preached every day, and endeavoured to appear open and free to my brethren. I encouraged them that were tempted, "not to fear; the Lord would soon appear for Himself." Meantime, I continued to thunder out the terrors of the law against the ungodly; although some said I was too positive. Too positive! What! in declaring the promises and threatenings of God? Nay, if I cannot be sure of these, I will say to the Bible, as the devil did to our Lord, "What have I to do with Thee?" 60. At one time, I cannot remember that I had any particular temptation for some weeks. Now I thought God had forsaken me, and the devil had no need to trouble himself about me. He then set the case of Francis Spira before me, so that I sunk into black despair. Everything seemed to make against me. I could not open the Bible anywhere but it condemned me. I was much distressed with dreams and visions of the night. I dreamed one night that I was in hell: another, that I was on Mount Etna; that on a sudden it shook and trembled exceedingly; and that at last it split asunder in several places, and sunk into the burning lake,-all but that little spot on which I stood. O, how thankful was I for my preservation! And this continued for awhile, even after I awoke: but then it fled away as a dream. 61. I was often violently tempted to curse, and swear, and blaspheme, before and after, and even while I was preaching. Sometimes, when I was in the midst of the congregation, I could hardly refrain from laughing aloud, yea, from uttering all kinds of ribaldry and filthy conversation. I thought there was none that loved me now, none that had any concern for my soul; but that God had taken away from everybody the affection which they once had. I cried out, "I have sinned! What shall I do unto Thee, O Thou Preserver of men? Why hast Thou set me as a mark against Thee, so that I am a burden to myself?" I said, "I am the man that hath seen affliction by the rod of His wrath." Frequently, as I was going to preach, the devil has set upon me as a lion, telling me, he would have me just then; so that it has thrown me into a cold sweat. In this agony, I have catched hold of the Bible and read, "If any man sin, we have an Advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ the righteous." I have said to the enemy, "This is the word of God, and thou canst not deny it." Hereat he would be like a man that shrunk back from the thrust of a sword. But he would be at me again. I again met him in the same way, till at last (blessed be God!) he fled from me. And even in the midst of the sharpest assaults, God gave me just strength enough to bear them. He fulfilled His word, "My grace is sufficient for thee: My strength is made perfect in thy weakness." When Satan has strongly suggested, just as I was going to preach, "I will have thee at last," I have answered, (sometimes with too much anger,) "I will have another out of thy hand first." And many, while I was myself in the deep, were truly convinced, and converted to God. 62. When I returned to England, and was discharged from the army, I went to Mr. Wesley, and asked if he would permit me to labour with him as a travelling preacher. He was willing: so I immedi ately went into a Circuit. But this was far from delivering me from that inexpressible burden of soul under which I still laboured. Hence it was that I could neither be satisfied with preaching nor without it; and that wherever I went, I was not able to stay long in one place; but continually wandered to and fro, seeking rest, but finding none. On this account, many thought me very unstable, and looked very coldly upon me, as they were wholly unacquainted with the exercises of soul which I laboured under. I thought if David or Peter had been living, they would have pitied me. But many of my friends had not even tasted of that bread and water of affliction, which had been my meat and drink for many years. May they walk so humbly and closely with God that they may never taste it! 63. After I had continued some time as a travelling preacher, Mr. Wesley took me to travel with him. He knew I was fallen from my steadfastness ; but he knew, likewise, how to bear with me. And when I was absent, he comforted me by his letters, which were a means, under God, of saving me from utter despair. One of them was as follows: "MY DEAR BROTHER, : "LONDON, June 21st, 1748. "THINK it not strange, concerning the fiery trial which God has seen good to try you with. Indeed, the chastisement for the present is not joyous, but grievous: nevertheless it will, by and by, bring forth the peaceable fruits of righteousness. It is good for you to be in the fiery furnace: though the flesh be weary of it, you shall be purified therein, but not consumed. For there is One with you, whose form is as the Son of God. O, look up! Take knowledge |