as agreeable a wife as I can wish for; I am clothed as well as I can desire; I have, at present, more gold and silver than I have need of; yet still I keep wandering from one part of the kingdom to another, seeking rest, and cannot find it." Then I cried out, “O that I had been a cow, or a sheep!" for I looked back to see how I had spent above thirty years; and thought, rather than live thirty years more so, I would choose strangling. But when I considered that, after such a troublesome life, I must give an account before God of the deeds done in the body, who knew all my thoughts, words, and actions, I cried out, "O that I had never been born!" for I feared my day of grace was over, because I had made so many resolutions and broken them all. Yet I thought I would set out once more; for I said,

Surely, God never made man to be such a riddle to himself, and to leave him so: there must be something in religion, that I am unacquainted with, to satisfy the empty mind of man; or he is in a worse state than the beasts that perish." In all these troubles I had none to open my mind to; so I wandered up and down in the fields, when I had done my work, meditating what course to take to save my soul.

I went from church to church, but found no ease. One minister at St. Paul's preached about man doing his duty to God and his neighbour, and when such came to lie upon a death-bed, what joy they would find in their own breast by looking back on their well-spent life. But that sermon had like to have destroyed my soul; for I looked back, and could not see one day in all my life wherein I had not left undone something which I ought to have done, and wherein I had not done many things wrong: and I

concern for salvation, and I left off prayer and reading in a great measure. I stayed better than half a year, and had not one hour's sickness, nor did I want one day's work all that time; so that by my handlabour I cleared, besides maintaining myself, twelve pounds fifteen shillings.

When I came home, I fell into my former course. I said to my wife, "I cannot live here." So I set off for London again, ordering her to follow me in the wagon. We both got well there, and lived in a good way, as the world calls it; that is, in peace and plenty, and love to each other.

After some time, I had a sore fit of illness: then my conscience was alarmed, and I expected to die, and perish body and soul in hell. O the distress I

so much as of

was in! not through fear of death, the judgment that should follow. But the Lord rebuked the fever, and restored me to perfect health.

66

After residing some years in London, my wife had not her health: therefore we agreed that she should take our two children and go into the country, and I would follow at a certain season; which accordingly I did. But I could not rest night or day. I said, “I must go to London again.". Several asked me, Why I would go again, since I might live at home as well as anywhere in the world?" My answer was, "I have something to learn that I have not yet learned;" but I did not know that it was the great lesson of love to God and man. When I got there, I fell to work presently, and all things prospered that I pursued. I then began to consider what I wanted to make me happy; for I was yet as a man in a barren wilderness, that could find no way out. I said to myself, "What can I desire that I have not? I enjoy as good health as any man can do; I have

as agreeable a wife as I can wish for; I am clothed as well as I can desire; I have, at present, more gold and silver than I have need of; yet still I keep wandering from one part of the kingdom to another, seeking rest, and cannot find it.” Then I cried out, “O that I had been a cow, or a sheep!" for I looked back to see how I had spent above thirty years; and thought, rather than live thirty years more so, I would choose strangling. But when I considered that, after such a troublesome life, I must give an account before God of the deeds done in the body, who knew all my thoughts, words, and actions, I cried out, "O that I had never been born!" for I feared my day of grace was over, because I had made so many resolutions and broken them all. Yet I thought I would set out once more; for I said, "Surely, God never made man to be such a riddle to himself, and to leave him so: there must be something in religion, that I am unacquainted with, to satisfy the empty mind of man; or he is in a worse state than the beasts that perish." these troubles I had none to open my mind to; so I wandered up and down in the fields, when I had done my work, meditating what course to take to save my soul.

In all

I went from church to church, but found no ease. One minister at St. Paul's preached about man doing his duty to God and his neighbour, and when such came to lie upon a death-bed, what joy they would find in their own breast by looking back on their well-spent life. But that sermon had like to have destroyed my soul; for I looked back, and could not see one day in all my life wherein I had not left undone something which I ought to have done, and wherein I had not done many things wrong: and I

was so far from having a well-spent life to reflect upon, that I saw, if one day well-spent would save my soul, I must be damned for ever. O, what a stab was that sermon to my wounded soul! It made me wish my mother's womb had been my grave. After that, I heard another sermon, wherein the preacher summed up all the Christian duties; but he said, "Man, since the fall, could not perfectly fulfil the will of his Maker; but God required him to do all he could, and Christ would make out the rest: but if man did not do all he could, he must unavoidably perish; for he had no right to expect any interest in the merits of Christ, if he had not fulfilled his part, and done all that lay in his power." Then I thought, "Not only I, but every soul must be damned;" for I did not believe that any who had lived to years of maturity had done all they could, and avoided all the evil they might. Therefore, I conIcluded that none could be saved but little children. O, what deadly physic was that sort of doctrine to my poor sin-sick soul!

I thought I would try others, and went to hear Dissenters of divers denominations; but to no purpose. I went to the Roman Catholics, but was soon surfeited with their way of worship. Then I went to the Quakers, and prayed that God would not suffer the blind to go out of the way, but join me to the people that worshipped Him in spirit and in truth; I cared not what they were called, nor what I suffered upon earth, so that my soul might be saved at last. I believe I heard them every Sunday for three months: what made me continue so long was, the expectation of some help by hearing them; for there was one, almost at my first going, that spoke something that nearly suited the state my soul was

in; but he showed no remedy. I had now tried all but the Jews, and I thought it was to no purpose to go to them; so I thought I would go to church, and read and pray, whether I perish or not. But I was amazed, when I came to join in the Morning Prayer, to see that I had mocked my Maker all my days, by praying for things I did not expect or desire: then I thought none could be so ignorant as I had been, nor so base, to draw near to God with their lips while their hearts were so far from Him.

SO

In the spring Mr. Whitefield came into Moorfields, and I went to hear him. He was to me as a man who could play well on an instrument; for his preaching was pleasant to me, and I loved the man; that if any one offered to disturb him, I was ready to fight for him. But I did not understand him, though I might hear him twenty times for aught I know. Yet I got some hope of mercy, so that I was encouraged to pray on, and spend my leisure hours in reading the Scriptures. Sometimes, as I was reading, I thought, "If what I read is true, and if none are Christians but such as St. John and St. Paul describe to be God's people, I do not know any person that is a Christian either in town or country." I said, "If things be so, I am no more a Christian than the devil;" and my hope of ever being one was very small. In this struggle I had but little sleep: if I slept four hours out of twenty-four, I thought it a great deal. Sometimes I started, as if I was falling into some horrible place. At other times I dreamed that I was fighting with Satan; and when I awoke I was sweating, and as fatigued as if I had really been fighting. Yet all this time I was as capable of working, both in understanding and strength, as ever I was in my life; and this was an