To one caught in this worst of all possible snares,
That the hour is arrived to begin Morning Prayers,
And the monks and the friars are coming down stairs!
Conceive the surprise

Of the Choir-how their eyes

Are distended to twice their original size,—
How some begin bless,--some anathematize,-
And all look on the thief as Old Nick in disguise.
While the mystified Abbott cries, 'Well

I declare!-

This is really a very mysterious affair!--
Bid the bandy-legged Sexton go run for the Mayor!'

The Mayor and his suite

Are soon on their feet,

(His worship kept house in the very same street,-) At once he awakes,

'His compliments' makes,

'He'll be up at the Church in a couple of shakes!' Meanwhile the whole Convent is pulling and hauling, And bawling, and squalling,

And terribly mauling

The thief, whose endeavour to follow his calling
Had thus brought him into a grasp so enthralling.-
Now high, now low,

They drag to and fro,'

Now this way, now that way they twist him-but, No!—
The glazed eye of St. Aloys distinctly says, ' Poh!
'You may pull as you please, I shall not let him go!'-
Nay, more; when his Worship at length came to say
He was perfectly ready to take him away,
And fat him to grace the next Auto-da-fé,

Still closer he prest

The poor wretch to his breast,

While a voice-though his jaws still together were jammed— Was heard from his chest, If you do, I'll

Then slammed

The great door of the Church,-with so awful a sound

That the close of the good Bishop's sentence was drowned!

Has clearly exprest

He has pardoned the culprit-and as for the rest,
Before you shall burn him-he'll see you all blest!'
The Monks, and the Abbot, the Sexton, and Clerk
Were exceedingly struck with the Friar's remark,

And the Judge, who himself was by no means a shark
Of a Lawyer, and did not do things in the dark,
But still leaned, (having once been himself a gay spark,)
To the merciful side, like the late Alan Park.

Agreed that, indeed,

The best way to succeed,

And by which this poor caitiff alone could be freed,
Would be to absolve him, and grant a free pardon,
On a certain condition, and that not a hard one,
Viz.

That he, the said Infidel, straightway should ope
His mind to conviction, and worship the Pope,
And "ev'ry man Jack" in an amice or cope ;-
And that, to do so,

He should forthwith go

To Rome, and salute there his Holiness's toe ;-
And never again

Read Voltaire, or Tom Paine,

Or Percy Bysshe Shelley, or Lord Byron's Cain ;—
His pilgrimage o'er, take St. Francis's habit ;-
If anything lay about never to "nab" it ;-

Or, at worst, if he should light on articles gone astray
To be sure and deposit them safe in the Monast❜ry !"`

The oath he took

As he kissed the book,

Nave, transept, and aisle with a thunder-clap shook!
The Bishop sank down with a satisfied look,
And the Thief, released

By the Saint deceased,

Fell into the arms of a neighbouring Priest !

It skills not now

To tell you how

The transmogrified Pagan performed his vow;
How he quitted his home,

Travelled to Rome,

And went to St. Peter's and looked at the Dome,
And obtained from the Pope an assurance of bliss,
And kissed whatever he gave him to kiss,
Toe, relic, embroidery, naught came amiss;
And how Pope Urban

Had his turban

Hung up in the Sistine chapel, by way

Of a relic-and how it hangs there to this day.-
Suffice it to tell,

Which will do quite as well,

That the whole of the Convent the miracle saw,
And the Abbot's report was sufficient to draw
Ev'ry bon Catholique in la belle France to Blois,
Among others, the Monarch himself, François,
The Archbishop of Rheims, and his 'Pious Jack-daw,"

VOL. VI.

* See Golden Legend, No. I. Bent. Mis. vol. i. p. 529. ¦

42

And there was not a man in Church, Chapel, or Meeting-house,
Still less in Cabaret, Hotel, or Eating-house,
But made an oration,

And said, 'In the nation

If ever a man deserved canonization,
It was the kind, pitiful, pious Aloys.'-
So the Pope says,—says he,

'Then a Saint he shall be !'

So he made him a saint and remitted the fee.

What became of the Pagan I really can't say ;
But I think I've been told,

When he 'd entered their fold,

And was now a Franciscan some twenty days old
He got up one fine morning before break of day,
Put the Pyx in his pocket-and then ran away.

MORAL.

I think we may coax out a moral or two

From the facts which have lately come under our view.
First-Don't meddle with Saints!-for you'll find if you do,
They 're, what Scotch people call, 'kittle cattle to shoe!"
And when once they have managed to take you in tow,
It's a deuced hard matter to make them let go !

Now to you, wicked Pagans!-who wander about,
Up and down Regent Street every night, ' on the scout,'—
Recollect the Police keep a sharpish look-out,

And if once you 're suspected your skirts they will stick to,
Till they catch you at last in flagrante delicto!
Don't the inference draw

That because he of Blois

Suffered one to bilk 'Old father Antic the Law,'

That our May'rs, and our Aldermen-and we've a City full-
Show themselves, at our Guildhall, quite so pitiful!

Lastly, as to the Pagan who played such a trick,
First assuming the tonsure, then cutting his stick,
There's but one thing which occurs to me-that
Is,-Don't give too much credit to people who 'rat!'
Never forget

Early habit's a net

Which entangles us all, more or less, in its mesh,

And 'What's bred in the bone won't come out of the flesh.
We must all be aware Nature's prone to rebel, as
Old Juvenal tells us, Naturam expellas,

Tamen usque recurrat !—

There's no making her rat!

So that all that I have on this head to advance

Is,-whatever they think of these matters in France,

There's a proverb, the truth of which each one allows here, 'YOU NEVER CAN MAKE A SILK purse of a sow's EAR!'

Tappington Everard.

T. I.

A DISINTERESTED REVIEW.

We have much pleasure in announcing to our readers the publi cation of a new and interesting work, entitled 'THE COMIC ENGLISH GRAMMAR;' and we feel that we should neither be doing justice to ourselves nor to the public if we did not recommend every one to be provided with a copy of it at the very earliest opportunity. The author is well known to the world by the facetious introduction to the Latin tongue, with which he has provided the youth of these kingdoms; indeed, it might have been said that he is personally known to everybody by means of the portrait prefixed as a frontispiece to that work, had that same portrait been at all like himwhich it is not. But, let it not be supposed from this assertion that we are ourselves acquainted with him,-such a supposition would materially invalidate our credit for impartiality; we certainly have seen him, however, and therefore can speak with some confidence We are the more earnest upon this point, inasmuch as we know, from good authority, that more than one young lady has already declined an introduction to him, declaring herself certain that he must be a horrid fright. We hear that he is yet a bachelor, and we strong. ly recommend him to consider what may be the consequences of allowing wrong impressions respecting his personal appearance to get about. Verb. sat. Before we quit this topic we will just observe, that our author, in allowing this portrait to be exhibited to the world, has not by any means laid himself open, like some people whom we could name, to the charge of vanity: he having merely followed the example of Vyse, Dilworth, and even Dr. Johnson, with various other writers on different branches of education, whose miniatures, most of them presenting, like his own, a slightly comic character, have accompanied their respective publications.

The principal reason assigned in the Preface to the Comic English Grammar,' for the production of that work, is the very proper one that all previous grammars have proved inadequate to the attainment of their object,-i. e. the promotion of conversational elegance. This assertion is substantiated by a passing reference to the language commonly employed by the 'useful' members of society; and we must admit that the language of the Sovereign people has no pretension to be called the King's English. We do not wish to forestall the author in his exemplifications of this great truth, but will simply take the liberty of calling the attention of our readers to the singularly infelicitous mode in which certain itinerant venders of green-grocery, drivers and conductors of public vehicles, and benevolent individuals, who amuse themselves by removing superfluities from our public streets, are in the habit of communicating their ideas to each other. We would, also, direct their notice to the dialects prevalent in Whitechapel, Spitalfields, and St. Giles's, and would put it to them, as enlightened persons, whether all of these are not appalling. Then, too, there are the countless vulgarisms which infest our provinces. The comparatively minor, but positively shocking improprieties of Pentonville, Islington, Woolwich, Peckham-Rye, and Camberwell, must also be taken into account. These facts having been duly digested, let it be considered how many natives of this country, cockneys and countrymen, (to say no.

thing of people who call themselves 'genteel,' and of various literary characters,) there are, who constantly talk and write bad English: and then, let the question be asked, 'In what condition is Great Britain with respect to Grammar?' We do not pause for a reply, because we feel convinced that we shall receive one in less time than the vernacular pronunciation of the name of Mr. John Robinson would occupy. We shall be told that the language of the country is in an alarming state. This being admitted, no one will deny that any attempt to reform it is in the highest degree commendable. In great attempts. Our readers know the rest, and therefore well understand us when we say that no worse fate could possibly have awaited our author than a 'glorious' failure; but, should any one fancy that he has failed, all we can say is, that our opinion-may we be pardoned for a little bit of Comic English' ?-is quite differ. ent." To the Senate, the Bar,-for, if we may trust the reporters, mistakes will sometimes be made in the best-regulated assemblies, -to the world of fashion, to the nobility, clergy, gentry, and public in general, we confidently recommend this little work. On students in law, linen drapery, and medicine, on the swell mob, on mayors and aldermen, on hospital committee men, and on all others who occasionally fall into inaccuracies of language, we would press its diligent perusal. But, more especially do we solicit towards it the attention of select vestries, and of all manner of parochial boards and authorities, who, more than any other sorts and conditions of men, perhaps, stand in need of the instructions which it contains. And now, (we address ourselves more particularly to the classes of readers last-mentioned, and to the agricultural population.) that the pub. lic may not, on our mere recommendation, purchase 'a pig in a poke,' we will exhibit a few samples of the work. Of the achievements both of the author and artist we shall allege no more than that, were we in their places we should say, as the clown in the pantomime last year expressively remarked, 'We think we've done it rayther— just a few !'

One of the chief merits of the Comic English Grammar consists in the profound spirit of philosophy which pervades its pages. We have often had occasion to find fault with grammars in general, for dealing so largely as they do in mere assertion, unsupported by any shadow of proof. One thing is called masculine, another feminine, and a third neuter; and to the question Why? or Wherefore? we obtain no other answer than, Because it is. If grammarians will give old women's reasons, they deserve, and must be content to be looked upon as old women. It is to be hoped, however, that they will hereafter imitate the illustrious example now set them by our author, who, in Etymology, for instance, Chapter III. Section 2., while treating of the very subject just alluded to, viz.: 'Gender,' endeavours to frame a rational hypothesis in order to account for the peculiarities which distinguish certain words in reference to it. The sun, as some of our readers are probably aware, rejoices in the masculine, the Moon in the feminine gender. This, instead of being stated in the Comic English Grammar as a mere dry fact destined to effect an ingress at one ear of the student only to make its exit at the other, or else to be thrown by into some odd ventricle or corner of the brain, where it might be hid among a heap of rubbish, and probably not be forthcoming when wanted, is im