appeal for help.' Each thinking of his own preservation more than of his companions, the absence of Augustus Brown had not been noticed by either, until Whifphles, resting for a fresh supply of breath, saw the vacant seat which Brown had occupied.

'Heaven and earth! where's Brown?' exclaimed he, spectral white with a presentiment of death, and pointing to the empty place.

Smith and Snuffles gazed in silence upon the seat, then upon each other's eyes filling with salt tears. The former snatched the handkerchief of the latter,-not possessing one of his own,-to check the course of the briny drops now streaming from their secret springs, as offerings to the shrine of friendship for the supposed lost Augustus Brown.

That worthy member of society was at this precise moment trying to obtain a salute from the assumed reluctant rosy-lips of the flirting barmaid.

'Poor Brown!' groaned Smith. 'What will his mother say?' 'Help! help!' screamed Whifphles, his excitement increasing at the idea.

Then followed a simultaneous shout for assistance, which reached the ears of the searching boatman.

'All right, gentlemen!' exclaimed he, rowing up to them unperceived in the rear, nearly screened from sight by the broad and topping flags.

Never did a countenance so ill-favoured meet with such looks of admiration as the coarse, beer-drinking-for-ever face of the boatman emerging from the rushes. Never did words gratify ears more than those just uttered in one of the least euphonious voices allotted to a member of the human family.

'Stop one moment, sirs,' said he as the ardent three were ready for a scramble into his wherry; I'll give ye a hand, or we may all go over.'

This caution acted upon their excited nerves as a material cooler ; and with admirable order each was handed to the stern seat in the boat. When convinced of their own safety, each began to inquire clamorously for his dear friend, Brown.'

All in good time you shall hear about him,' replied the boatman, 'Wait till I shove off the punt, and get her in tow.'

Two or three vigorous and scientific pushes with a boat-hook effected a clearance from the bank, and, taking the vessel in tow, the boatman splashed his oars into the water, and said that he was ready to scull them anywhere they pleased to go,'

'Yes; but tell us what has become of poor Brown first, replied Whifphles, the most interested of the party, from the circumstance of Augustus having borrowed divers sums at divers times, varying from two shillings to three halfcrowns, from his better-conditioned exchequer.

The boatman, perceiving the extreme anxiety of the trio, to learn the secret in his possession, thought it a good opportunity for obtaining an additional bribe, and, with a look worthy of a crafty diplo. matist, replied, that he had been paid ten shillings not to say a word about the gentleman, or anything of the transaction.'

As a matter of course this information added to the mystery of

the occurrence. A council was held by the astonished three in a low whisper, and a decision unanimously agreed upon that a sum be offered to purchase the strange and unaccountable history from the individual now asking whether he was to pull them up or down.' 'Suppose we give you five shillings a-head to tell us,' said Smith. Then I shall split immediately; as it's a principle with me always to let the best offer regulate my market with anything,' replied the boatman.

The money was doled out, and placed in the hand of the informer, whose anticipation of making a good day's work of the affair' became realized with this additional sum.

To describe the indignation of Messrs. Snuffles, Whifphles, and Smith; their loud expressions of contempt at Augustus Brown's mean conduct in taking advantage of their too-porterish and sleepy state, is impossible. They were somewhat consoled with the know. ledge that the practical joke had occasioned the perpetrator of it some trouble, corresponding with their own fears.

'To think of being alarmed for nothing at all!' exclaimed Whifphles, it's a shame! a 'orrible shame! It's worse than having something, because one's consoled at knowing he ain't been made a fool of.'

That's my opinion,' added Smith.

'And so it is mine,' coincided Snuffles.

'Now then, gentlemen, just say which it is to be-up to the Island, or down to the Bridge,' said the boatman, wishing to get disI missed now that he had obtained all that was to be had.

'Let us go to town without Brown, and leave him in the lurch. I know that he hasn't a sixpence left,' suggested the revengeful Whifphles.

'We will-we will,' said Smith, rubbing his hands with delight at the soothing idea.

'Delicious thought!' from Snuffles, concluded the arrangement. 'Pull away to the bridge,' ordered Whifphles, and towards it the boatman rowed.

The last bell was ringing on board the 'Firefly.' On deck leaped the three friends.

'Cast off that rope!' bawled the Captain, and on paddled the

steamer.

'Don't go to the Island,' hallooed Smith to the boatman, just as they had started.

You may be sure I sha'nt, sir,' replied he.

How shall we be sure? screamed Whifphles.

'Because he ain't got no more money, shouted the boatman, with a total disregard to negatives, but a special observance of the truth.

Hours past by; the sun had set, and bright Venus was glancing her fickle beam upon this dull, sublunary planet; but no news arrived to the distracted Augustus Brown of the fate of his friends. There he was, upon Eel-pie Island, pacing up and down a narrow grass-plot, with agony in his step, despair in his look. Occasionally he would stop in his hurried gait to look through the increasing misty folds upon the water, for the approach of the boat. As the shades of evening deepened he relied upon his ear for the expected

arrival; his heart beat quick as the splash of a distant oar gave hope of a consummation of his wishes; but 'hope deferred maketh the heart sick;' and he at last determined to drown his care in ginan'-water. Proceeding to the inn, he directed the fascinating barmaid to mix him a glass.' His spirits rose as THE spirits sank;. but the last had scarcely been drained from the glass when the thought flashed upon his mind that no likeness of her Majesty upon the meanest coin graced his purse, or chafed the lining of his pocket. Supposing his friends, Whifphles, Snuffles, and Smith, did not return, how was he to get back to London? How was the gin-an'water to be paid for? Such were the mental queries of Augustus Brown, whose visage bore deep marks of the distress of his tortured mind.

'What am—what SHALL I do!' exclaimed he, forgetting the presence of the charming barmaid.

'What's the matter, sir?' inquired she, with a little toss of the diminutive cap. You seem in a quandary.'

I am in a quandary,' groaned Brown, slapping his forehead like a confused prime-minister.

Suddenly he withdrew his fingers from his pressed brow, and dived both hands deeply into the pockets of his trowsers,―signs of flattering hope, and deep resolve.

'Gentlemen in difficulties' have frequently applied the bonds of Hymen to pay off bonds of another description. The speculations of the present day in matrimony are, generally, of so pecuniary a description, that connubial felicity would be more correctly described by the term of 'a-matter-of-money,' instead of the one more generally used.

Augustus Brown thought the barmaid pretty in the morning, when he first saw her; but now was convinced that she was beautiful. He was unmarried, and so was she, evidently, from no ring encircling the finger, doomed to announce publicly the double-in-one state. He had no less a sum than eighteen shillings a-week; dinner for one is dinner for two. No doubt a sum had been saved-as barmaids invariably have accounts at savings'-banks: the gin-an'water need not be paid for. Besides, if success attended him, a small advance might be obtained, to get to the office by the appointed hour in the morning. Such were the reflections of Augustus, that determined him to pop the interrogatory immediately to the barmaid, and escape from his most pressing annoyances, if practicable.

'His love sincere, his thoughts immaculate;
His tears pure messengers sent from his heart;
His heart as far from fraud as heaven from earth.'

The stars were propitious. Augustus Brown pleaded his case well-well, because successful.

From being as unhappy a Brown as ever breathed the pure air of Twickenham, or sipped a glass of gin-an'-water upon Eel-pie Island, Augustus became one of the happiest; all his expectations were to be realized, and, when he stretched his wearied limbs upon a cot prepared by the hands of the equally-pleased barmaid, did a thought of the fate of his friends occupy his attention for a moment-it was but for a moment. Soft slumber soon sealed his eyelids. He

dreamed of fat small boys, in a state of nudity, dancing in the air, and throwing white favours at each other's heads. The scene changed, and he saw his companions sticking in a muddy pool, up to their chins. He stretched out his hand to clutch one of them; .but, missing his hold, fell out of bed.

D-n Whifphles, Snuffles, and Smith,' said he, sprawling upon the floor.

A TALE OF A CALF;

OR, DOING' A GENSD'ARME.

MOST folks with virtuous indignation
Would 'flare-up' at the imputation,
(However well-deserved the same,)
Upon their fair and honest fame,
Of trickery, and double-dealing,
And such-like covert arts of stealing,
Which don't amount to downright
robbery,

At which you could 'kick up a bob-
bery,'

But just sail near enough the wind
To leave the impression on your mind
That you've been regularly done,'
Of which few persons see the fun.
Yet, somehow, these same honest
people

Their principle in practice keep ill;
For, though they'd talk of hostile
meeting,

And mayhap treat you to a beating,
If you but hinted they were cheating,
And, rather than defraud their neigh-
bour,

Would undergo twelvemonths' hard
labour:

They think it quite a different thing
To chouse our Sovereign Lord the
King;

Or rather, now-a-days, I mean
Her Gracious Majesty the Queen.
That is, in fact, they reckon smug-
gling

A very clever kind of juggling;

Turning your chattels topsy-turvy,
And treating them in way most scurvy,
To search if 'midst the various par-
ticles

There lie hid any smuggled articles.
I say you feel a satisfaction,
As if you'd done a worthy action,
To know that, spite of all their prying,
They've missed, in some snug corner
lying,

No end of gloves, or Brussels lace,
Or satins, as may be the case,
Things which you've fetched across
the Channel,

(Whose billows often make a man ill!)
With sundry other odds and ends,
As presents to your lady friends;
All specimens of foreign finery,
That ne'er were wrought by home

machinery,

And should, in consequence, pay duty
Ere they adorn a native beauty.
Well, I was going to tell a story
To illustrate the case before ye,
That somehow men are all inclined,
If but occasion they can find,
To cheat the royal revenue,
Nor, as they are enjoined to do,
Give custom to whom custom's due;
No matter whence those customs rise,
From tolls, or taxes, or excise.

'Be't known to all men by these pre-
sents,'

And, that they may the better do it, That, to raise money from the

aye

Exert their utmost ingenuity.

And, certes, 'tis some consolation
To soften down one's indignation

At being hurried to that bore
Of travellers, the custom-house,

peasants,

And other traders, who bring down
Their country wares to sell in town,
There stands in every road in France
A bureau d'octroi, in advance

Of each town's suburbs, where they
levy

And there watched as by cat a mouse, A toll proportionally heavy
While they your luggage are unpack

ing,

And every trunk nd bag ransacking,

On every article that passes;

On pigs, and sheep, and fowls, and

asses,