that caterpillars are incongenial to apples, and that "no man who harbors caterpillars has any moral right to apples." That apples are often lost through the too early blossoming of the trees, and the subsequent appearance of Jack Frost, and that the placing of ice under the roots of the trees will obviate this evil. (Ibid p. 141.)

CONCERNING POTATOES.-That the aspiration of the age is toward a Perfect Potato; and that "he who originates a really valuable new Potato deserves a recompense for his industry"—perhaps to have your next book dedicated to him, as the present is "to the future inventor of the steam plow," whereby "Not Less than Ten Acres per Day shall be Pulverized to a Depth of Two Feet, at a Cost of not more than Two Dollars per Acre." I find, also, to quote your valuable Work, that potatoes cannot be honestly raised without treating them to Swamp Muck.

CONCERNING BEETS AND CARROTS.-That these are proper vegetables, which deserve encouragement; that you yourself have never succeeded with Beets (no political insinuation) but that you "confidently expect to be able soon to raise 1,000 bushels of Carrots, and 1,500 bushels of Beets per acre." I will defer my experiments with those roots until you tell me how you did this.

CONCERNING ANIMALS.-That you have understood sheep to be valuable animals to the farmer; but that you know nothing about Animals, of your own positive knowledge, and therefore relegate that subject to the several Congressional districts; but that concerning Dogs, you have no hesitation in counting them as disreputable, and recommend strychnine for the whole species.

CONCERNING PASTURING.-That it is "a process I (you) detest ;" that it is a radical, incurable vice, "(Ibid p. 19, 20,) etc.; and that a prohibitory law, making pasturing a penal offence, and authorizing the seizure and destruction of all pastures, would therefore, according to the Greeley philosophy, be a good thing. This is a subject which I feel should not be " relegated."

CONCERNING GRAIN RAISING.-That the prettiest way to raise Wheat is to take $72,000 and buy 400 acres of desert in New Jersey, put on $24,000 worth of Marl, $20,000 worth of Swamp Muck, $5,000 worth of Oyster Shell Lime, and $5,000 worth of Bone Flour, and sow Wheat upon the compost thus formed, (Ibid p. 767.) I am now looking for a man to loan me $72,000 on security of the probable crop. Several have refused. Will you please brand them in the Tribane as liars, cut-throats and villains?

Yours admiringly,

JONAS PEAPOD.

GREELEY'S BATTLE OF DORKING.

The vagaries of Mr. Greeley on the subject of

agriculture have been made the subject of many broad burlesques (which the foregoing, made up largely of actual extracts from Mr. Greeley's book, is by no means intended to be). They have also given rise to several clever hits in a more delicately satirical way, one of which, a parody on the English sketch, "Battle of Dorking," also hits off some of Mr. Greeley's other weaknesses and eccentricities. The story (which we reproduce below) is supposed to be told, fifty years hence by a father to his inquiring child:

THE FALL OF AMERICA.

You ask me to tell you, my children, of the events which immediately preceeded the destruction of the once great American Union and the capture of the country by its present European rulers, and to say something, also, of the cause which led to these deplorable results. I undertake the task with a heavy heart, for when I revert to that terrible time I cannot help contrasting our proud condition up to that fatal year with the humiliating position occupied now by the American people. The story is a short one. In the fall of 1872 Horace Greeley, the editor of a newspaper in New York, was elected President of the United States, The people voted for him because they thought he was an honest man. And so he was. But he was also vain and weak, and he entertained certain fanatical and preposterous notions-about agricultural matters, for instance-which he was determined to force upon the people at all hazards and despite all opposition. He believed, among other things, that every man ought to go west to earn his bread, and long before he was chosen President he used to advise everybody to move to that region, as a cure for all the disasters that could befall the human family.

As soon as he reached the executive mansion, which we used to call the White House, President Greeley organized an army of two hundred thousand men, and proceeded to force the entire population of the seaboard States westward at the point of the bayonet. The utmost violence was used. Those who resisted were shot down, and their dead bodies were carried off to a national factory which the President had established for making some kind of fantastical fertilizer. All the large cities of the East were depopulated, and the towns were entirely empty. The army swept before it millions of men, women and children, until the vast plains west of Kansas were reached, when the pursuit ceased and the army was drawn up in a continuous line, with orders to shoot any person who attempted to visit the East.

Of course hundreds of thousands of these poor creatures perished from starvation. This seemed to frighten President Greeley, and he sent a message to Congress recommending that seven hundred thousand volumes of a book of his entitled "What I Know about Farming," should be devoted for the relief of the starving sufferers. This was done, and farming implements and seeds were supplied; and then the millions of wretched outcasts made an effort to till the ground. Of the result of this I will speak further on.

In the meantime the President was doing infinite harm to the country in another way. His handwriting was so fearfully and wonderfully bad that no living man could read it. And so when he sent his first annual message to Congress the document was devoted wholly to the tariff and agriculture— a sentence appeared which subsequently was ascertained to be, "Large cultivation of rutabagas and beans is the only hope of the American nation, I am sure." The printers, not being able to interpret this, put it in the following form, in which it went to the world: The Czar of Russsia could'nt keep clean if he washed himself with the whole Atlantic ocean once a day!" This perversion of the message was immediately telegraphed to Russia by the Russian Minister, and the Czar was so indignant that he immediately declared war.

Just at this time President Greeley undertook to write some letters to Prince Bismark upon the subject of potato rot, and, after giving his singular views at great length, he concluded with the statement that if the Emperor William said that subsoil plowing was not good in light soil, or that guano was better than bone-dust, he was a liar, a villain and a slave!' Of course the Emperor immediately declared war, and became an ally of Russia and England, against which latter country Mr. Greeley had actually begun hostilities already, because the Queen, in her speech from the throne, had declared the Tribune's advocacy of a tariff on pig iron incendiary, and calculated to disturb the peace of nations.

"Unhappily, this was not the full measure of our disasters. The President had sent to the Emperor of Austria a copy of his book, What I Know," etc., with his autograph upon a fly-leaf. The Emperor mistook the signature for a carricature of the Austrian eagle, and he readily joined in a war against the United States; while France was provoked to the same act by the fact that when the French minister came to call on Mr. Greeley, to present his credentials, the President, who was writing an editorial at the time, not comprehending the French language, mistook the Ambassador for a beggar, and without looking up handed him a quarter and an order for a clean shirt, and said to him, 'Go West, young man-go West.'

“So all these nations joined in making war upon the United States. They swooped down upon our coasts and landed without opposition, for those exposed portions of our unhappy country were absolutely deserted. The President was afraid to call away the army from Kansas at first, for fear the outraged people upon the plains would come East in spite of him. But at last

he did summon the army to his aid, and it moved to meet the enemy. It was too late. Before the troops reached Cincinnati the foreigners had seized Washington and all the country east of the Ohio, and had hung the President, the Cabinet, and every member of Congress. The army disbanded in alarm, and the invaders removed to the far West, where they found the population dying of starvation because they had followed the advice of Greeley's book, to 'Try, for your first crop, to raise limes; and don't plant more than a bushel of quicklime in a hill?' Of course, these wretched people were at the mercy of the enemy, who-to his credit be it said-treated them kindly, fed them, and brought them back to their old homes.

"You know what followed-how Prince Frederick William of Prussia ascended the American throne, and the other humiliations that ensued. It was a fearful blow to Republicanism—a blow from which it will never recover. It made us, who were freemen, a nation of slaves. It was all the result of our blind confidence in a misguided old man, who thought himself a philosopher, but who was actually a fool. May heaven preserve you, my children, from the remorse I feel when I remember that I voted for that bucolic old editor."

CHAPTER XXV.

IS HE FIT?

Traits of Horace Greeley's Character-For what his Genius Fits him-For what it Does Not-How an Honest Man Can Do Dishonest Acts-Some Faults and How they Might be Cured-Can the Country Afford it ?-How his One-Term Theory Kills His Own Chances-H. G., his Plea at the Jubilee-H. G. as an Administrator-Eleven Specific Points-Wm. C. Bryant's Portraiture of Greeley.

It is to be hoped that no reader has received an impression from the preceding chapters, or from any other source, that Horace Greeley is a man destitute of admirable personal qualities. He certainly has several such. In the first place, he is a man of genius-genius in a certain direction, to which his success as an agitator and reformer, and as a writer for the patriotic American public, bears sufficient testimony. His best trait-indeed the best trait which any man, public or private, can have, is honesty: or rather, we must say in this particular case, the intention to be honest; and this intention is always executed except where it is overborne by his strong and impetuous prejudices, or by his inordinate personal vanity, or by some other motive, in itself not dishonorable, but which warps the man's conscience, unconsciously to himself.

This paradox often occurs in men of irregular