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face assumes a hideous expression of determined resolution, and becomes so deeply suffused with gall, that our mighty ancestor looks like a man in the last stage of the jaundice. At the same time the lips are drawn back so as to expose the teeth, which thus make a most ferocious appearance ; but as it is well known that the muscles of the jaw are at the same time so violently contracted, that his Lordship cannot bite, the Foreign Ministers take not the slightest notice of it, nor do even the old women feel any alarm. The brain is soon in a state of great confusion. Both hemispheres tremble ; a rumbling noise, at least as loud as the new thunder in Covent Garden, is heard through the whole extent of the frontal sinus, and the crura cerebelli kick with immense vigour. The head is now as large as a pot, and the crisis approaches. Talleyrand pats his Lordship on the back of the head in a very affectionate manner; the other Ministers grasp their goose-quills to encourage him ; in about a minute, the coronal suture slowly opens ; our great Parent gives a loud hem, which expresses his determination to uphold the character of England, to open the Scheldt, to astonish General Sebastiani, to compel Holland, if necessary, by force of arms, and, at the same time, do nothing to offend her; immediately after this the Proto. col springs out upon the table.* The event is announced by a discharge of twenty-one pop-guns; and Couriers are dispatched, without a moment's delay, to foreign courts, in order to communicate, before its death, intelligence of the birth of the Protocol. His Lordship is immediately put to bed, the room darkened, and the streets thickly littered. His head is put into a bag of flour, as I understand those of pugilists are, after a severe fight, in order to reduce the swelling; and the strictest antiphlogistic treatment is employed, the only diet permitted to the patient being flummery, and milk and water. Under this judicious system, in six hours," he is as well as can be expected ;" and in twelve, the tumour has quite subsided; the wonderful resolution that screwed up his features to such a pitch of magnanimity is gone, and he walks about like a person of ordinary firmness and sagacity. No one, on meeting him in
As the 'scutcheon and device on my own shield have been mentioned, I ought in justice to insert those of some of my distinguished predecessors. The 70th Protocol bore the King of Holland, in the likeness of a pig, with a soaped tail, pursued by Lord Palmerston. The motto, Jam jamque tenet.
The shield of the preceding one represented his Lordship at a table writing; the huge sheet before him was marked, P. No. 69. Motto :-Brevis esse laboro.
The 65th represented our great Parent fathoming Prince Metternich's brain. Motto :-As for Palmerston, who knoweth the depth of him?
The 60th showed a figure; some maintain it,was Pistol; others that it was Palmerston, eating a long roll, of paper probably. Whatever it was intended for, it certainly was marked with the figures 5 and 9. Motto :-Must I bite? I eat, and eke I swear.
The 61st showed a schoolmaster whipping a school-boy, who bore a strong resemblance to our illustrious Author. Motto :-Nec semel hoc fecit.
The 55th represented his Lordship in an attitude of amazing dignity. Over the figure were the words, Cedant arma toge. Underneath was the translation, Put a strait waistcoat on him.
The 52d bore his Lordship, immediately after being delivered of the 49th. The Foreign Ministers, with open mouths, are looking into his cranium. Motto :- Who hath put wisdom in thy inward parls ?
The 67th showed his Lordship, preceded by a penny trumpet : the Hague in the distance. Motto :--Quid dignum tanto feret hic promissor hiatu?
The 68th represented his Lordship with a look of unalterable resolution, writing in the Foreign Office. Motto :-Sedet, eternumque sedebil. In the centre there was also a miniature Protocol ; above it, the figures 1001 ; underneath, Heu, Marcellus eris !
the streets, would think he was THE ANCESTOR OF ALL THE PROTOCOLS. No one would give him credit for being the very great man he is. Who would, in that gay and debonair appearance, recognise the counterpart of the venerable patriarch, who had sixty sons and thirty daughters, all mounted, too, upon asses? Who would suspect him to be the man that has outwitted Metternich, Ancillon, and Pozzo di Borgo to boot ; and who has been so cunning of fence, as for two long years to keep that “ cool old sworder” of Holland at his weapon's point? Oh, shade of Chatham, you were nothing to the decision of Palmerston ! Grotius, how thick was thy wit compared with his ! And thou poetic animal, of “ implicit augury," what were thy “ prodigies of fertility” beside all the Protocols!
For some days, or to speak more precisely, until the return of the Dutch packet, a Protocol stalks about with an air of immense dignity. We are, however, cautioned to beware of the Morning Papers; and hens do not dread the vulture more than does all our generation, The Herald and Chronicle. Even The Times, which we thought safe, -why, the other day, one of my unfortunate predecessors approached its perch ; when instantly, with a loud scream, it struck its talons into him, and killed him on the spot. As for The Morning Post, the moment he descries one of us, he inverts his urn, like an ancient river god, and drenches us with abuse. The fate of those who are delivered to the foreign ministers is still more deplorable. They are subjected to the most cruel treatment. As soon as the minister reaches his own hotel, he tosses my wretched brother to his mischievous son, who tears him Jimb from limb to make “
messengers” for his new kite; or perhaps the servant seizes on him, and sells him as a slave to the grocer or bookseller. I am informed that one was reduced in this capacity to the degradation of conveying the Duke of Newcastle's last pamphlet ! Hear it, ye Powers of the Pathos and the Bathos ! Indeed I am convinced that there is no atrocity of which the foreign ambassadors are not capable. In the very agonies of delivery, when a man of any bowels would pity Lord Palmerston, they are convulsed with laughter, and Talleyrand himself can scarcely keep his countenance. It is at the most violent throes that their mirth is greatest ; and what is still stronger, the succession of ferocious faces which his lordship makes, only throws them into more obstreperous delight. The ruin that threatens Holland ought not to be treated so lightly ; but such conduct to a person in Lord Palmerston's situation is absolutely inhuman; nor is it excused by the fact of his not being sensible of it. In truth, the only anxiety they have ever been observed to show, is at the moment the skull opens ; and then they stand on the tips of their toes, and endeavour by all means to discover what is in it, hitherto, happily, without success.
But, supposing us to escape all these perils, our doom is certain at the return of the Dutch packet. The reader will, however, forgive me if I cannot detail the murder of so many of my brethern by that ruthless hand. Let us rather turn to a more pleasing theme, the continuation of
There are some who think that I am the last of my family; but that is a grievous error. I had scarcely alighted on the obstetric table, when the Russian minister, turning to Talleyrand, asked, in a confidential tone, “ Isn't this the end of the Protocols ? "_" It is the beginning of the end,” answered that sagacious plenipotentiary. I can, however, speak with more precision on that point ; and I now, with all the solemnity of death, assure the world that Lord Palmerston is inexhaustible in Protocols ; that not only the corpus callosum, the whole brain, but even his entire body, may be spun into Protocols; and that, if permitted, the Protocols and he will eat each other down to the tails. For every insult offered by the King of Holland, he has a Protocol ; every demur he answers with the same; and at every turn of the evasion he meets him again with a Protocol. The corpus callosum is, in fact, a mere heap of granulations, on each of which, with the aid of a good microscope, may be discerned the puny face of a Protocol. The brain, also, is a congeries of the same embryo diplomacy. When I left, there was an interminable series, like the eggs in the body of a goose, in different stages of life; some wanting nothing but the impregnating quality of a new contempt and derision from the King of Holland. But that is not all. As the young snake in the body of its mother contains a little snake within it, and this little snake another, and so ad infinitum ; so each Protocol contains within itself the rudiments of an innumerable quantity of Protocols. If, therefore, no ever-to-be-deplored calamity cuts short the incubation of our great parent, the history of our species will always end (unless the paper manufactories of Great Britain fail) with the awful words, “ To be continued.”
THE BRIDE OF MARSEILLES.
No matter, no matter, though all are away,
All alone in her chamber the lovers are met,
“ But come, my sweet love, for the daylight dies;
# A chaffing-dish of charcoal. Two young persons of Marseilles lately died there, under circum. stances closely resembling the above.
MR. HUME AND THE SMALL WHIGS.
Such of our readers as are old enough politicians to remember Vansittart Chancellor of the Exchequer, are acquainted with the commencement of Mr. Hume's Parliamentary career. The nation, no longer distracted by external wars, was beginning to look more narrowly into domestic arrangements; and, finding much that was cumbersome, and inef. ficient, and extravagant, was muttering to itself, much after the fashion of Meg Dods, while taking a survey of the kitchen'in the absence of her servants:-" The hizzy Beenie, the jaud Eppie, the deil's buckie of a callant ! anither plate gane! they'll break me out of house and ha’!" The labouring classes, “constantly on poortith’s brink,” were the first to feel the pressure, and to offer remonstrances. The more opulent classes, at ease themselves, were slow to feel the necessity of retrenchment. They shrunk from the trouble of thinking and acting; they found it more genteel to adhere to the powers that be, than to shake hands with greasy mechanics ; they cheerfully lent their most sweet voices to swell the war-whoop, “disaffection, revolutionary doctrines," &c. By the reckless and unprincipled machinations of the then government, considerable bodies of the working classes were lured to rise in premature and isolated revolt, in different districts. A spirit of hatred and mistrust between rich and poor was sedulously cherished; the two classes sundered into hostile bodies; and every day threatened to increase their mutual defiance. The country stood on the brink of a civil war.
There were not wanting, at this perilous crisis, men who saw the danger in which ve stood : but the tyrants of the day succeeded in defeating their opposition, by representing them as mere theorists, ignorant of practical statesmanship, or as dangerous and designing men. It was at this critical period of our national fortunes, that Mr. Hume commenced his financial lectures. He attached himself to the cotton bag which then filled the office of Chancellor of the Exchequer, and insisted upon bringing all his plausible statements to the test of the rule of three. He exposed the incorrectness of ministerial calculations, the falsehood and fallacy of the arguments built upon them. This he did not once and away, but night after night. Vansittart was no sooner seated, than up rose his indefatigable adversary. Hume stuck to the skirts of the har. rassed and sickening Chancellor, with the snap of a greyhound and the pertinacity of a bull.dog. The greater caution and economy forced upon government was the least part of the gain. The eyes of the mer. cantile portion of the community were opened to the manner in which the national money was squandered. They quickly discovered that no hopes of more rational management could be entertained under the old system of government; and thus a most important and influential portion of the community were won over to the cause of reform.
It would be absurd to attribute to Mr. Hume the whole merit of breaking up the old Tory phalanx ; of bringing Canning and Huskisson, in the great heap of their wisdom to coquet with liberal principles, to seek to sew new cloth on old garments, to put new wine into old bottles. The best talents of the land were labouring day and night to bring about that consummation which has at length arrived. Our increasing poverty was working to the same end. But this we will say, that the appearance of a man of Mr. Hume's peculiar turn of mind at the time he commenced his career, and the steadiness with which he clung to his purpose, undeterred by the opposition of enemies and the coldness of friends, by the angry clamour of abuse, and by sneers not the less galling for their silliness, by