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While the conflict was raging on the walls, led the basis of these speculations, but have where the loud sounds and flashing weapons been finally overrun and extirpated by the seemed but the similitude of the overhanging Tartaric hordes, which, according to our thunder and the vivid lightning, Azelmic, his

priests and body-guards, prepared to protect supposition, would be continually moving their god and temple to the last; in their de-downwards from the northern regions. If spair and wild devotion, they took the golden they had been the first inhabitants, we should statue of their deity from its pedestal, and with naturally expect to find remains of cities in massive chains of the same metal to secure it, all the other parts of the hemisphere into and with huge nails driven through perforated which they by degrees spread: but far from holes in the feet, they thus fastened it to the this being the case, the ruins, comparatively broad summit of the great altar of the nation!" speaking, lie within an extremely narrow -Page 371 compass.

It is now requisite to give some extracts illustrative of the peculiarities of the author's style, which exposes the most unblushing vanity with a confiding naiveté that is very amusing. We will begin with the following, from the introduction to the third chapter

Mr. Jones expresses violent but just indignation at the conduct of Alexander in crucifying two thousand of the citizens after the siege, but it should be observed that Arrian does not mention this circumstance; it rests solely upon the authority of Diodorus and Quintus Curtius; and, if true, there is some palliation, though no excuse, in the reflection, that the Tyrians had themselves previously violated the law of nations and become the aggressors, by murdering the envoys despatched to themume within her archives, requires a basis of during the siege by Alexander.

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"To support these startling assertions, to make their truth apparent to the reader, to convince his understanding and crush all doubts, that even History may place the vol

senator of Utica wiil direct us, that if we cannot 'command success,' at least we will endeavor to deserve it."-Page 29.

argument which shall be rock-built, that the We learn from Curtius that the Sidonians superstructure about to be raised, while it incarried away fifteen thousand of the ill-fated shafts of criticism; but as a strong-cemented vites, may yet resist (not defy) the storms and inhabitants of Tyre in their ships, and this edifice requires the warm influence of the sun mourning squadron is conducted by Mr. to secure the component parts, so do we look Jones, as the sagacious reader will have an- for the sun-smile from the just and mild eye of ticipated, down the Mediterranean. They the true critic, which will not only glance upon touch at The Fortunate Isles," where the only one part of the composition, but view each friendly Sidonians leave them; but hearing tire building; and when the edifice is finished, as required to form the consistency of the enmors of Alexander's implacable resent-whether the entablature will remain blank or mer, they cast off again into the wide hear our humble name, is not for us to deterocean, and leaving the Old World for ever, mine or command; yet in reference to the latare wafted across the Atlantic into the Bayter and natural hope the sentiment of the of Honduras. In haste to sacrifice to their tutelary god, they resort to the very foolish expedient of burning their ships for firewood; and hence their concealment for so many ages. All this is strikingly original, and may be satisfactory to ingenious minds! Having thus followed our author as brief ly as possible through his various theories, we cannot profess ourselves converts to his "Sculpture has a more harmonious voice faith, although we readily bear testimony to than that of her stern consort (Architecture); his ingenuity and the pleasure to be derived the graceful bride, whose rock-ribbed cradle from some parts of the volume. We still was amid the Parian hills, whose virgin youth reposed upon the halcyon marble of Penteliare disposed to consider, with some of the cus, has a voice of warm, yet chaste simplicity; authors cited, that America was peopled by her tones are as sweet, as from lips first nourthe nations of eastern Asia via Behring's ished on Hymettus' hill. Yet at times they Straits; but we admit it to be possible that speak with all the solemnity of her consort, the Tyrians, although not the original colo-around whom she fondly clings, as the ivy nists, may, as Mr. Jones has suggested, have settled in Mexico, and perhaps for a time subdued the original inhabitants. They might have struggled for existence for some centuries, built the cities which have formAUGUST, 1844. 34

The following specimen of the author's various dissertations upon the fine arts will be sufficient, even for the warmest admirer of the Maturin school :—


around the oak; and, like that plant and character of the marble monarch of the arts, the sculpture-vine preserves for ages the even after his broad-spreading authority has been broken and humbled to the earth by Time and Desolation; or these two destroy

ing powers may be viewed as the Regan and the Goneril, while Architecture is the Lear and Sculpture the Cordelia of the arts." Page 34.

We confess ourselves baffled and out of breath. In what sense Time, Desolation, and Sculpture can be the daughters of Architecture, more particularly as in the first part of the paragraph the last of the three is personified as his bride, is totally incomprehensible. There is much more of the same sort.

Curtius, Abdolonymus. This however is of less consequence than the way in which Mr. Jones has missed the "philosophical point" of the reply, which in reality was to this effect:-"May the gods grant me to bear the crown with as tranquil a mind! For these hands have supplied all my wants, and having nothing I have wanted nothing."

Mr. Jones is an American, and we would wish to treat him and his works with that courtesy and urbanity which foreign, and particularly American authors are wont to "Egypt! my first-born and consort of the receive from the British press; neither Nile while thy pyramids and temples shall would we arrogantly exalt our own idioms remain, and they will even to the final tem-over the transatlantic vernacular; yet in pest of the world,-thou shalt be identified from among all the nations of the earth! spite of all these considerations we must "Athens! my favorite daughter! until the warn him for the future against such exrock of the Acropolis shall fall, thy classic beau-pressions as "acknowledges to know," ties, around which have gleamed the meridian" this distinction is nearly defined from splendor of the mind, will proclaim that Mi- the fact," "this last sentence cannot be nerva, Plato, Pericles, and Phidias were thy entertained," etc.-against such sentences



"these pictorial efforts of art are on "Palmyra! my third joy! although the wild Arab sleeps within thy rootless dwelling, with a cloth of unusual thickness, in order to the whirling sands for his mighty mantle, yet, secure stability, for the Mexicans had no while thy porticoes, arches, and colonnades other written records but, which may now shall be seen, the city of the desert will live in be added from the late discoveries, sculpmemory; for the spirits of Longinus and Zeno-ture:"-and against such paragraphs as bia will be there! the following:

"Rome! my warrior son! thy ancient glory," etc. etc.-Page 35.

The occasion of these passionate apcstrophes is that they are supposed to be the bitter outpourings of Architecture and Sculpture, the parents of these ruined


Mr. Jones's inaccuracy is sometimes surprising. In his account of the submission of Sidon to Alexander, he says-

"The hieroglyphics on the altar and idol of Copan (ride last section) in a similar manner demonstrate these sculptures to be of a religious character, but that fact does not preclude the association of historical events-they were so introduced and incorporated by the Egyptians and the ancients in order to deify those events: and by thus rendering a sacristy of character to the hero or the glory, to give them both (in their belief) an earthly, or rather celestial immortality."

As a parting word of advice we would bid him remember that

"Where so much difficulty lies,

The doubtful are the only wise;" and that in treating such recondite and, at best, uncertain subjects as those he has chosen, modest indecision and the most careful deliberation can scarcely be too apparent, while their opposites are certain to

"In compliment to his favorite Hephæstion, the Conqueror allowed him to appoint whom he pleased for king of Sidon. Hephæstion thereupon selected a poor man of the capital by the name of Strato, and instantly raised him to the dignity of Sidonian sovereign. The mendicant was a remote branch of the royal house, but had been unjustly degraded by the reigning monarch. When the new-raised king had his first interview with Alexander, his grateful remark was-'I pray that Apollo will enable you, Alexander, to bear prosperity be condemned. with the same fortitude with which I have struggled with adversity!' The Macedonian highly applauded the philosophical point of the remark, and secured him in his new possession."-Pages 342, 343.

It happens unfortunately that Strato was the name of the then king of Sidon, whom Alexander deposed, while the name of the hero of the legend was, according to Quintus

COBURG GOTHA-The Times states, in the most distinct and emphatic terms, that the reports which are in circulation relative to the Duke of Saxe Gotha dying in debt are false, and without the slightest foundation. Instead of being in debt, the Duke left his eldest son money to the amount of £300,000, after the payment of his debts.


THE ILL-HUMORIST; OR, OUR RECANTA- way most frequently, and affords us the great


From the New Monthly Magazine.

Oh, I am stabbed with laughter.

[A voluntary confession of error has always a certain recommendation with it. We therefore trust that the discovery we have made, and the acknowledgment we here give of the fault we have fallen into respecting the "Humor" in which we have written, will be properly appreciated by a discerning public. EDITOR]

We are weary of good humor, heartily tired of mirth; we are resolved, in short, to be comical no more. The Tragic Muse shall have

us all to herself. The Blue Devils take us!

For all man's life me-seems a tragedy
Full of sad sights and sore catastrophes ;
First coming to the world with weeping eye,
Where all his days, like dolorous trophies,
Are heap't with spoils of fortune and of fear,

And he at last laid forth on baleful bier.*

There shall be no more "cakes and ale" if we can help it. Our part in future shall be with virtue and Malvolio; we mean to give Sir Andrew Ague-cheek warning, and clasp Sir Andrew Agnew to our heart. If there shall be any more ale, it shall be "bitter ale," and our cup shall be that of Tantalus.

est number of occasions for exhibiting our spleen. We have known a man keep a threelegged stool in his study, for no earthly purpose but to knock his shins against and swear at. Upon the same principle many people keep cats and dogs in their houses, that they may have something to execrate for every broken saucer, and to cuff and kick whenever they meet it on the stairs. This is the true reason that pets are often the most odious creatures of their species; the animal is maintained at considerable expense, expressly because it is mischievous and detestable, thus providing us with a perennial theme for vituperation, and the exercise of our irascible dispositions. Nay, we often see this system extended to the human race, and servants and other dependants retained in an establishment, purposely to keep the temper of the master or mistress up to the boiling point. This is the use of a Smike to a Squeers. Smike was a well-conditioned simpleton; but many a mischievous and incorrigible brat escapes expulsion from school, because he ensures some epicure of a pedagogue the daily exercise of his verberose propensities. An urchin of this description is scholars in the academy afford him half the the schoolmaster's pet-boy; not all the good satisfaction which he derives from this one incorrigible favorite.

in evil, this source of joy discoverable in the This pleasure to be found in pain, this good very stream of sorrow, is precisely what is figured by the diamond in the reptile's head.

Sweet are the uses of adversity; Which, like the toad, ugly and venomous, Still wears a precious jewel in his head.

The grievances of Englishmen are, in sad earnest, the dearest privileges they possess. Our patriots of former days committed a griev ous blunder in bringing in their Bill of Rights. A Bill of Wrongs would have been infinitely more popular, and immeasurably more in unity with the tastes and feelings of the country. The true rights of a Briton are his wrongs, for he is never so pleased as when he is afflicted, and never so discontented as when cause for grumbling he has none. Dogberry was a genuine son of Albion, albeit the great dra-Discontent is the jewel of adversity; tears are matist, in his caprice, claps us down that pink literally pearls: and there is no gold to be of constables in the streets of Messina. With compared to the "gold of affliction," as a celebrated impost in the Lower Empire was apwhat satisfaction and vain-glory does he not describe himself as "a man who has had his propriately designated. Why is Ireland, for losses!" The losses of many a man are worth example, called the his profits told ten times over. What he gains subjects him to envy, increases his cares, augments his responsibilities and temptations; but what he loses (in addition to all the moral benefits resulting from the abstraction of so much filthy lucre,) has the enormous advantage of furnishing him with a good casus belli with the world, and a fair quarrel with the lady of the ever-spinning wheel.

Can there be a better proof of the prevailing fashion for grievances, than the precarious hold which reformers have had in all ages upon the affections of their fellow-citizens? The love of abuses springs from the love of having something to abuse. To be abusing somebody or something the live-long day, is an enjoyment not to be dispensed with by those who have once tasted it; and the abuse highest in favor is that which comes in our

* Spenser's "Tears of the Muses."

First flower of the earth,

And first gem of the sea,

but because she is always in tribulation, and for ever in the dumps? Her true emerald is her distress; robbed of that she would be robbed of her reputation, and reduced to poverty indeed.


A good distress" makes the fortune of a tragic poet, and in this respect most men resemble the priests of Melpomene; they love a good distress" prodigiously. It is evident from the wild schemes and impracticable objects that we are continually proposing, or in quest of, that we actually seek to be disappointed, knowing how sweet it is to talk of blighted hopes and rail at Fortune. How often do we not subscribe to mad speculations, and invest every shilling of our capital in the airiest bubbles, seemingly out of an abstract love of ruin. A ruined fortune would seem to be as attractive as the ruin of an abbey or a

castle in a landscape. In like manner we expect impossibilities from our children, and make the most unreasonable requests of our friends, merely to qualify ourselves to deplore filial ingratitude, and protest that friendship is

but a name.

The place-hunter may possibly derive some slight advantage from gaining his suit and a situation but how much happier is he who is in a condition to accuse the perfidy of a minis ter, and revile the government all his days? In matters of religion, it is well known, that the way to gratify the zealot is to persecute him. The enthusiast loves the country where good fires are kept to warm, and even occasionally to roast him. Toleration freezes him, and perfect religious liberty is like sending him to Siberia. We have a shrewd notion that the most miserable country imaginable is that which Sir Thomas More discovered, and called Utopia. We would not be Utopians for all the world; but as we meditate a formal attack upon that dull nation at a future opportunity, we shall say no more of them, or their sad prosperity, at present.

He that will take the trouble of measuring the L'ALLEGRO with the IL PENSEROSO, will find the latter poem some score of verses longer than the former, an apt illustration of the truth that the catalogue of human troubles is longer by twenty grievances than the list of human satisfactions. We are determined, therefore, to be merry no longer.

There's such a charm in melancholy,
We would not, if we could, be gay.

lishman is solid as his own food, and grave as his own mustard-pot. We eat melancholy meat, drink melancholy drink, and melancholy has "marked us for her own."

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It is the most preposterous thing in the world for us to keep a retinue of wits, and such an immense establishment of jesters. Next year it will not be our fault if there is not a "Tragic Almanack," and our resolution is taken to establish a Tragic Annual" likewise, and perhaps baptize the New Monthly anew by the title of the "ILL-HUMORIST." We shall publish at Charing Cross, and we expect all grave people will promote and encourage our undertaking. It will be our study to suit the ill-temper of the times, and we shall endeavor to engage the services of Mr. Croker. In fact, it will be a sort of revival of "Fog's Journal."


With a view to these projects we have already commenced forming a library. contains,

Burton's Anatomy of The Mourning Bride.

Zimmerman on Soli


Thomson's Winter.
The Dance of Death.
Young's Night Tho'ts.
Hervey's Meditations.

The Sorrows of Wer


Blair's Grave.
The Newgate Calen-

The Elegies of Tibul-

The Distressed Mother.

Memoirs of Grim.
McWhine on the Lam-

Ovid's Tristia.
The Trials of Marga-
ret Lyndsay.
Stories of Shipwrecks
and Tales of Confla-

The Practice of Courts
of Equity.

What costs and trouble we have been at in the quest of gayeties, while sorrows and tribulations might have been had in bushels, as With this lamentable library, and a corps of plenty and cheap as blackberries! It is to be the sourest fellows, drinkers of vinegar and feared that we have hitherto committed a eaters of lemons, to be met with in the saddest gross mistake in catering for the supposed streets, the most lugubrious lanes, and the public appetite for mirth. We have forgotten crossest courts in London, we hope to make the luxury of woe! We have overlooked the the "ILL-HUMORIST" a most fascinating magmost striking fact in the philosophy of the hu- azine. We have already retained three eleman mind, namely, the love of grievance. giac bards to do the poetry, and the same From this error have arisen the Comic Alma- number of grievance-mongers to manage the nacks, Comic Annuals, and all Comic Miscel- political department. Our editor will always lanies of the day. Even the Latin Grammar be habited in a sorry suit; our "sub" will has been made a farce of, and laughter ex- wear green and yellow, those being the colors tracted from "As in Presenti." "Punch" has which Shakspeare assigns to melancholy; even distilled smiles from law-books; which our devils will be blue, if we can procure them, proves that sunbeams are producible from cu-if not we shall advertise for sad boys; and at cumbers. One would suppose that England the door of our office will be stationed a pair of was still the "merry England" of the days of the most dismal mutes to be found in the meRobin Hood and the Round Table. One would tropolis. We shall appear in a drab cover, think that we English were a giggling, grin- with a huge cross, or vinegar-cruet for our de ning, joking, light-hearted people, instead of vice, with the motto, the plodding, grumbling, tax-paying nation It will make you melancholy, Monsieur Jacques that we are. What have we to do with fun and frolic? We who live on melancholy beef, There will be a letter-box (illuminated with and have our being in solid plum-pudding, weeping gas) always open to receive the sighs what have we to do with kickshaws, entre-of lovers, the tears of schoolboys, the commets, and trifles? Our centre is the centre of plaints of wives, the recriminations of husgravity, and those who would have us spin on bands, the wails of the disappointed, the grunts the centre of levity, mistake the mechanism of of the disaffected, the moans of manufacturers, our national character altogether. The Eng-the groans of the farmers. It shall not be

To recommend ourselves to fine gentlemen and young men of spirit, there will be a black list published in every number, of those discreditable tradesmen and shop-keepers who keep accounts, and have the assurance to send in their bills.

our fault if we do not deserve to be groaned, I cating our eyes end noses for the purpose, and and merit the rueful countenance of the pub- if a single annoyance escapes our notice, we lic. Moor ditch shall not be more melancholy engage to return the money to our subthan we, or a drone of a Lincolnshire bagpipe scribers. more doleful. The cries of London shall find a faithful echo in our pages, and we shall make engagements with the criers of all the courts of justice in England, so as to ensure returns of all the wrongs and hardships that suitors and offenders sustain at the hands of judges and juries. Instead of paying a penny a line for murders and great fires, we shall give the same handsome sum per word, including conJunctions and pronouns. All who rail at railways will do well to favor us with their contributions, for it is our fixed determination to be always rich in land-slips, collisions, and explosions. In general strikes we shall endeavor to be as striking as possible. If we fail, it will not be for lack of failures, for our columns shall be rich in insolvencies, and we are resolved to break ourselves in bankruptcies.

There will always be a pitiful story by Moody, illustrated by Scowl, or a tale by Mrs. Whimper, with a design by Wasp. We invite contributions, but a single stroke of pleasantry, or the slightest evidence of good-humor, will be fatal to any writer who desires to appear in our pages. Nobody shall shine in the "Illhumorist." Instead of paying by the joke or the smile, we shall pay by the rub or the frown. Our contents must be discontents, or mal-contents.

The discontents of the first number will be as follows:

1. The Shocking Condition of England Question. By Sir Gloomy Grumble, Bart., M. P.

2. Sharpe upon Acids.

3. The Perils and Dangers of the Streets of London.

4. Ode to Dissatisfaction.

5. An Essay on Sighs. By Dieaway Sob,


6. The Natural History of the Weeping Willow. By Professor Lorn.

7. The Seven Woes. By the Rev. John Fright. Author of the "Waters of Mara," and the "Day of Vengeance."

8. Disasters by Land and Sea.

A portion of our space will be devoted to rural and agricultural affairs. We have a project for cultivating the cypress in this country, and encouraging the growth of rue and wormwood. As to our English corn, it will be our constant care to tread upon it: we shall thrash the question of the corn-laws, and raise the animating cry of "Dear Bread;" while in Ireland we shall maintain, support, and defend the Corn-Exchange, that Delphos of discontent, and Dodona of dissatisfaction. As to Oates, we care but little for any branch of the family except old Titus, who catered so well in his day for our national love of a supper of horrors. We shall ourselves be always well supplied with plots and conspiracies, and treason alone shall flourish in our pages. We in- 9. Life and Adventures of Mr. Diggory tend to be the greatest alarmists in England, Doleful, with his continual falls and downfalls, and our readers will see a French navy or a misdoings and undoings, losses and crosses, Russian squadron in every fleet of fishing-evictions and convictions, moanings and groanboats they perceive in the offing. Every ings, his voes, foes, throes, blows, from his month there will be a report of a terrible first cry to his last sigh. By Miserrimus earthquake in some part of the country or ano- Moody, illustrated by Scowl. ther. We shall prove this to be the most volcanic corner of the globe, and we shall have correspondents in Wales and Cumberland who will give us daily accounts of wolves and avalanches. Then Perkins's steam-gun shall burst once a fortnight at least, and the blowing up of the few public men whose loss is likely to afflict the nation, shall be recorded minutely.

The markets will be carefully watched-the flesh of donkeys detected in the veal, horseflesh in the beef, kittens in rabbits, crows in pigeons, and hemlock in every sprig of parsley. We promise to keep public attention for ever alive to the adulterations of bread and every other necessary of life. There will be a sharp eye into every copper kettle in London, and it will be a small speck of verdigris that will elude our sagacity. Our magazine will be a vast assistance to the magistrates and police, by pointing out a thousand street nuisances which, with all their acuteness, they have as yet no notion of. We have been edu

DIVING BELL.-On the 21st of April, a chemist of Paris descended to the bottom of the Seine in

a diving-bell, which weighed nearly a thousand pounds, (plusieurs centimes de kilogrammes,) and remained nearly half an hour under the water. The bell contained a chemical apparatus, by means of which he absorbed the carbonic acid gas, and secured a supply of oxygen and hydrogen, so as to maintain the atmosphere within the bell in a fit state for supporting animal life. The experiment succeeded perfectly, and there is every reason to believe that a person may descend with the apparatus in such a bell to a depth of one hundred and fifty feet below the surface of the sea, and remain there for an indefinite time. The invention promises to be of much advantage in the pearl and coral fisheries.

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